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Five people who are worse than me because they're hypocrites, actually, by Andrew

PORTRAYING me as the world’s worst person is lazy journalism. These people are way worse because they don’t practise what they preach.

Dame Judi Dench

Don’t let her sweet little old lady act fool you. When she’s not tricking everyone by pretending to be a national treasure, Dame Judi Dench is your average foul-mouthed luvvie type. She lies about being someone else for a living which means you shouldn’t trust her. At least I’m open and humble about my incredibly weird personal life.

Charity campaigners

These fundraising virtue signallers sicken me. If they really cared about financing wells in impoverished communities or helping abandoned dogs they’d make a cash donation from their own pocket. Relying on strangers to dig deep, especially during the cost of living crisis, is a gross mockery of human decency. Compared to them I’m as saintly as Christ himself.

Greta Thunberg

Greta talks a good game by sailing around the world instead of hopping on a flight. But if she really wanted to save the planet by reducing harmful emissions she should go Luigi Mangione on energy CEOs, anyone who drives a petrol car, and meat eaters. I’d have a fearful respect for her if she did that, rather than the boiling irritation I feel whenever I see her in the news.

Richard Osman

You really think Richard Osman is the heir to Stephen Fry as the nation’s beloved populist intellectual? Give me a break. He’s an AI sympathiser who shitcanned Pointless as soon as his profile rose to a suitable level. The fact that he now only presents the celebrity editions, to suckle on the stardom of his showbiz pals, tells you everything you need to know about this morally bankrupt so-called boffin.

Pope Leo XIV

Being the head of the Catholic church means that you need to be following its doctrine by the book. Yet Pope Leo XIV has been strangely silent when it comes to condemning same-sex relationships. Maybe he’s in the wrong job if he can’t follow the most basic tenets of Catholic ideology? Perhaps I should have a go at being the Pope, it’s already been proven that a shady sexual background is no barrier to entry.

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Six terrible lifelong sexual deviancies caused by delaying opening presents until after dinner

AS a psychologist, I see many life-ruining sexual deviancies that began in childhood because parents delayed the opening of the Christmas presents. I shall enumerate them:

The desire to be spanked

To not be allowed to open Christmas presents until 5pm, and even then to open them an agonising one-person-at-a-time, is a punishment. But it is a punishment coming from those you love, ie. parents. Is it any wonder, therefore, that middle-class children begin to associate love with punishment? And can only be fulfilled sexually via spankings? No.

Dressing as a gimp

The opacity of a present’s wrapping, and the unknowability of what lies beneath it, is all the child can think about. It consumes them. In adulthood this transfers to wishing to be such a hidden present, to wanting to veil oneself in that delectable mystery, and inevitably the wearing of a PVC gimp suit, particularly those who go into the legal profession.

Finding fulfilment in findom

Findom, or financial domination, means giving away money you cannot really afford to women online. It is hard to imagine who finds this arousing, until you meet those who were allowed no gifts until the pots were cleared and would give anything for a present like normal children, and now give everything away just for the forbidden thrill of it.

Frotting on public transport

Again the wrapping becomes a fixation, again to the detriment of forming successful relationships. This person, usually a high-powered City lawyer, becomes so obsessed with the wrapping he does not want it to come off and likewise rubs his clothed groin against strangers on the Hammersmith & City line until ejaculation. Eventually he is caught.

Becoming a Tory MP

Because the child believes it is normal – even that it makes you superior – to be tortured by those you love, he determines this is a moral pattern he should impose on others. So, naturally, he runs as a Conservative to discipline the public and show them gratification can only be obtained by following arbitrary rules, and is rock-hard throughout.

Autoanalingus

The sheer impossibility for the young mind of surviving from 5am through breakfast, through Carols from King’s, through a multi-course lunch and only then achieving gratification is mirrored in adulthood by an obsession with the impossible act of licking one’s own arse. Yet that is what these unfortunates are condemned to by their parents.

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