Harrison Ford: “I'll stop when I've ruined all of my films”

THE announcement of a Blade Runner sequel, starring me, has sparked the usual debate about whether it can live up to the original.

Let me answer that for you now: it won’t. It will be so bad that you will never be able to enjoy Blade Runner again. Because I am determined, in my twilight years, to destroy my own cinematic legacy.

Remember Indiana Jones? Not without a wince of pain, you don’t. Not without remembering the fridge and the aliens and Shia LeBoeuf from the execrable fourth film.

And these Star Wars sequels that you’re excited about, whoooh boy. I make out with Chewie, I repeat all my familiar lines like I’m reading the teleprompter in a Malaysian pile ointment commercial, and I have insisted on several unbearably explicit nude scenes.

I won’t stop there. There’s Surprise Witness, where I partner up with that Amish kid as an Amish cop, and then Before The Fugitive where we find out I did kill my wife after all in a plot that ensures the original will never make sense again.

After that I guess we can see about defiling Air Force One or The Mosquito Coast or whatever else anyone remembers fondly.

Then, and only then, can I rest, secure in the knowledge that my life’s work has been pissed on then set on fire and that I was the man to do it.

 

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Bitter woman turns friend’s break-up into hateful best-seller

A WOMAN has turned eight years of incessant bitching about her friend’s partner into a best-selling book.

After Holly Turnbull split amicably from her long-term boyfriend, Nikki Hollis produced the 100,000-word book on how he was never good enough for her in 72 hours.

Hollis said: “If I had to name my literary influences I’d say Flaubert’s Madame Bovary, the essays of Gloria Steinem and the first side of Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette.”

Hollis is now in talks for the film rights to He Looks Like a Pervert Anyway. Producers say it will be the 50 Shades of Grey of silently fuming at someone else’s happiness.

Turnbull said: “My ex and Nikki went on a couple of dates about five years ago but he wasn’t that keen.”

Hollis added: “That’s not true, you’re remembering that wrong. Probably because you’ve been through so much emotional abuse.”

The author’s next book will be a soaring epic on how Kathy at work always gets picked for business trips and how Hollis would also have been promoted twice in 18 months if she was a total slut.