Hippies have ruined my reputation, says Stonehenge

STONEHENGE is sick of being linked with hippies and wants to rebrand itself as a destination for cool people.

As the Solstice approaches, Stonehenge is bracing itself to be overrun once again by pretend Gandalfs.

The Neolithic monument said: “I’m sick of dreadlocked ‘pagans’ claiming I’m a druid temple or a massive space calendar.

“How do they know? I could have been a really cool Neolithic bar or a super trendy shop, like the Stone Age equivalent of Urban Outfitters.

“If people insist on touching me up on a twice yearly basis, I’d rather they were dynamic, fashionable types. Or at least very sexy.

“If I see any more bearded freak shows I’m going to kill them all with ancient magic and then self-destruct.

“Worship that, hippies.”

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Potential jihadist 'cured' by Littlejohn

A BRITISH teenager has changed his mind about joining ISIS after reading anopinion piece by Richard Littlejohn.

London-born Malik Iqbal, 19, said: “Littlejohn has a huge fan base within the working-class teenage Muslim community. Me and my mates think he’s amazing. So just before I headed out to join ISIS, I grabbed the Mail to have a quick scan of his latest.”

Iqbal added: “It was all about how terrorists are idiots and we should be happy when they die. The argument Richard put forward to support his view was so clear-headed and meticulously researched, and his ridiculing of the Muslim faith was so clever and funny.

“I suddenly thought: ‘You know what? If Richard thinks joining ISIS is a mug’s game, then count me out.'”

He added: “I’m now training to become an Anglican priest and I can’t wait for the new Top Gear episodes.”