Subscribe

How to have a Christmas sex party for one, by Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor

I CAN’T say 2025 was a great year, but I’ll be doing my best to recreate some of the good times I had back in the day with good old Jeff:

Save money on nibbles

When you’re hosting rich chums like Jeffers and Harv Weinstein, you need to splash out on Beluga caviar blinis and suchlike. With a sex party for one that’s not necessary, which is handy as my income has recently been reduced somewhat. Who cares if you’re eating pickled onion Monster Munch when the main thing on the menu is porking?

Invite a bevy of beautiful sex dolls

I can’t risk giving local escorts a lucrative kiss-and-tell story, so I’ve opted for Lovehoney’s range of £199.99 inflatable sex dolls with vibrating vaginas. I’ll be having a saucy foursome with Natalia, Tyra and Camilla, although the name isn’t ideal with that one. I’ll probably give her a good seeing to anyway so it feels like I’m cucking that tightarse Charles.

Don’t skimp on the pornography

A sex party without actual women has its pros and cons. It’s easier to organise, but you’ll have to lean heavily on porn. Obviously I’ve got premium memberships for all the top sites like Pornhub, but I also have an extensive library of bliff mags I’ve acquired over the decades. As befits my status, I’ve had all my 1980s copies of Razzle bound in calfskin by a bookbinder on Charing Cross Road. Thank you, civil list.

Include a ‘wanking masquerade’

Swingers sometimes wear masks to hide their identity, but it also has a deliciously kinky vibe, so incorporate it into your party. Obviously there’s not a huge amount of mystery involved if you’re the only person there, but on the upside it’s harder to be embarrassed about walking around like the Phantom of the Opera with his knob out.

Provide condoms for ‘guests’

This might seem excessively responsible at a sex party for one, but a strategically positioned bowl of condoms gives the illusion that other people are pairing off with ladies a quarter of their age and heading for the bedrooms. Not that I have ever been to a party like that, I just read about it once.

Stock up on Viagra

Nothing makes a sex party go off with a bang like a bowl of Viagra, especially with chaps of a certain age. Trust me, give it half an hour and your pork Paddington will be raring to go. It’s a shame there aren’t any women at your party to make flattering comments about your remarkable powers of sexual recovery, but I just order my valet Iain to sit there and do it.

‘Invite’ a hot ex

The tabloid obsession with my love life and my habit of banging models back in my ‘Randy Andy’ days makes it easy to cyberstalk most of my exes. There’s no shortage of sexy pics of my old Sports Illustrated shag Angie Everhart or Caprice Bourret. And there’s nothing like sitting with your pants round your ankles having a good tug over deleted scenes of Koo Stark in Star Wars: A New Hope to add a touch of Hollywood glamour!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to stop yourself sobering up between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve

THERE’S a whole week between the year’s two biggest piss-ups. If you want to keep the party going while you wait, stay half-cut with this guide: 

Establish a support network

It’s unreasonable to expect you to do this by yourself. If you want to stay shitfaced for six days straight, you’re going to need a network of close friends and relatives to supportively place another drink into your trembling hands. Don’t feel like a burden though – you’ll be repaying the favour by grabbing them a bottle whenever you stumble uncertainly to the fridge.

Indulge your triggers

People trying to achieve a life of sobriety avoid anything that will set off their vice. Since you’re taking the opposite approach, constantly expose yourself to temptation. Anything from lingering in the cheerful atmosphere of a pub to putting yourself in stressful situations where you desperately need alcohol to calm your nerves will work. Perhaps visit the roughest local hostelry wearing a ‘MORE IMMIGRATION NOW!’ T-shirt? As long as you struggle to form barely coherent sentences, you’re doing it right.

Pace yourself

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re trying to find the sweet spot where you’re more than tipsy but not quite paralytic. Going too soft will bring the crushing mundanity of the festive dead zone into harsh relief, whereas drinking too much could send you spiralling into an ill-timed hangover on New Year’s Eve. Don’t waste all of December 31st hunched miserably over a toilet puking your guts up. That’s what January 1st is for.

Eat the bare minimum

Seasoned pissheads already know that eating’s cheating, but it’s especially important to remember this disclaimer at Christmas. With so many slices of cured meat and Pringles tubes to hand, it’s all too easy to inadvertently graze your way to clearheadedness. If you must eat more than the bare minimum needed to keep you alive, opt for chocolate liqueurs to keep your blood alcohol level up.

Ignore your limits

Over the course of the week your body is going to try to tell you to stop knocking back booze and drink a healthy glass of water instead. At times like these you’ll need to tap reserves of physical and mental determination. By ignoring the limits of what your liver, bowels and brain cells can tolerate, you’ll reach new plateaus of intoxicated merriment. Have you got a drink problem? No, you’re powering through the infamous wall!

Next story ›