LIKE many men, I am expert in hearing what my wife says and later, without consultation, voicing all her views as if they were always and forever mine own. Here’s how:
Believe clothes are important
Spend your life slouching around in jeans and baseball caps? Then you may feel clothes are unimportant. Not so! In fact, if you listen to your wife they’re the most important thing in the world and, still not understanding why even though she’s always on about it, it’s best to repeat what she says about her wedding dress without question. It’s only a dress.
Concede she’s right about your mum
The two most important women in your life are at loggerheads – well, one hates the other, that’s similar – but one is your wife and has sex with you, therefore she’s right. It follows that your mum is wrong, that she did do that deliberately to humiliate your poor wife, that she knew exactly how it would make her feel and it is your duty to stand up for her.
Accept her views on your exes
There may have been other women in your life, wrongly, before your wife. You may have views on these women, for example that you have ‘stayed friends’, ‘were only ever friends’ or ‘I barely know her, she was my sister’s mate’. These views are offensive. Instead, bravely offer up a new view: they were all bitches and whores who you should never see.
Refuse to see anyone without your wife
Your mind is your own and always will be, but sometimes when she’s not around you get confused and say things you later find out you didn’t mean. Therefore it is your opinion, and yours alone, that to meet your father or siblings without your wife present is an insult to her which outrages you. You’ve checked with her and that’s 100 per cent right.
Throw in something about displaced dogs
Eager to help in crafting your own words from your soul, you suggest to your life partner they could use some mass appeal. Instantly, like an angel spreading the Lord’s good gospel, an incident when she wanted to help displaced dogs and your mum wouldn’t unless she could talk to you which you’ve never forgiven her for comes back to you.
Finish with ‘the narrative that my wife controls me is completely backwards’
Finally, in case the media erroneously believes you’re estranged from your parents because of your wife, due to all these incidents centring on your wife and her bruised feelings, explicitly deny that your wife has her fist up your arse working you like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Who’s controlling the media narrative now? I am. Aren’t I babe?
