I am never going to shag you, Queen tells Titchmarsh

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

The monarch-obsessed gardener is currently trying to save some of her trees from road builders, in his latest desperate attempt to get her to fancy him.

However the Queen said: “Alan clearly wants some Lady Chatterley type situation between us, but the gamekeeper in that is a super hot man’s man rather than a chirpy little sod.

“He needs to just cool it and stop making documentaries about me. It’s a bit weird, frankly.”

She added: “If he shows up at 3am again asking to ‘water your chrysanthemums, ma’am’ then he’s going to prison forever.”

However Alan Titchmarsh said: “I have utmost admiration for the Queen and her enduring, selfless commitment to the nation. Also women in crowns get me really fired up.”