THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.
The monarch-obsessed gardener is currently trying to save some of her trees from road builders, in his latest desperate attempt to get her to fancy him.
However the Queen said: “Alan clearly wants some Lady Chatterley type situation between us, but the gamekeeper in that is a super hot man’s man rather than a chirpy little sod.
“He needs to just cool it and stop making documentaries about me. It’s a bit weird, frankly.”
She added: “If he shows up at 3am again asking to ‘water your chrysanthemums, ma’am’ then he’s going to prison forever.”
However Alan Titchmarsh said: “I have utmost admiration for the Queen and her enduring, selfless commitment to the nation. Also women in crowns get me really fired up.”