I am never going to shag you, Queen tells Titchmarsh

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

The monarch-obsessed gardener is currently trying to save some of her trees from road builders, in his latest desperate attempt to get her to fancy him.

However the Queen said: “Alan clearly wants some Lady Chatterley type situation between us, but the gamekeeper in that is a super hot man’s man rather than a chirpy little sod.

“He needs to just cool it and stop making documentaries about me. It’s a bit weird, frankly.”

She added: “If he shows up at 3am again asking to ‘water your chrysanthemums, ma’am’ then he’s going to prison forever.”

However Alan Titchmarsh said: “I have utmost admiration for the Queen and her enduring, selfless commitment to the nation. Also women in crowns get me really fired up.”

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Home Office accidentally deports all Brexiters

AN administrative error means everyone who voted to leave the EU will be deported in a matter of weeks, it has emerged.

The Home Office mistake will result in all Leave voters being relocated to destinations as varied as Islamabad and Brussels.

A government spokesman said: “We can’t reverse the decision because all our staff are busy with half-baked Brexit plans from David Davis, which are usually just something scribbled on a Post-it.

“Leavers will just have to show some Blitz spirit and get used to life in Finland or wherever. They’ll be given help to relocate, such as a suitcase full of baked beans and cornflakes.”

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve got to move somewhere called Aruba, which sounds like some African hellhole to me. I bet you won’t even be able to get a frozen Bird’s Eye Traditional Beef Dinner.”