I'm 95 years old. F**k off out of it with your Royal Yacht

by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second

I AM the monarch of this country. I am 95 years old. My son, the future King, is 72. So let me say this a final time: f**k off out of here with your Royal Yacht. 

Every time there’s a Tory government it’s the same. ‘You know what she’d really like? A new yacht.’ ‘She hasn’t been the same since the scrapping of Britannia.’ Horseshit. 

I’m pushing a century. I’m dealing with an increasingly fractured family. And I’m expected to be fully behind lashing £300 million on a yacht that won’t be finished until I’m 99 and I wouldn’t trust myself to stand upright on? 

It’s so pathetically transparent. ‘She’d love a luxury yacht that she could meet world leaders on!’ No, you would. You’re jealous of being lobbied by oligarchs on floating palaces and want one of your own. 

Why not a few more impractical ideas for nonagenarian widows? Why not a Royal McLaren 720S supercar? Why not a Royal Skatepark with a 21ft deep half-pipe? Where’s my Royal jetpack? 

Have one if you want. If you really believe that other countries are so gullible they’ll sign unfavourable trade deals because they’re floating and the nearest bathroom gold taps. They won’t. I’ve met them. They’re smarter than you. 

But don’t make out it’s for me. I could not give a f**k for your tiny-dick yearnings for a yacht. Leave me out of it. 

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Flower crown top summer trend for brides marrying to distract from misconduct allegations

GETTING hitched this summer? Whether it’s for love, or so you cannot be legally compelled to testify at a public enquiry, the flower crown is the hot look. 

The flower crown is perfect for the young, eco-conscious woke bride deflecting allegations that her dashing groom is responsible for tens of thousands of deaths.

Bridalwear expert Carolyn Ryan said: “2021 weddings are either lockdown romances, postponed from last year or brought forward from next year to cover that you were more bothered about your dog’s reputation than an impending pandemic.

“The easing of restrictions has seen brides-to-be pouring through our doors, eager to celebrate their love or eager to distract from their fiancé’s roles in making those restrictions necessary.

“Naturally, the flower crown is the perfect accessory. A floral garland speaks of simple beauty and pastoral ideals, rather than over-complicating life by looking at what COBRA meetings he did or did not attend.

“It’s a sliding scale. I had a lady come in last week who was marrying her boyfriend while he was tried for tax evasion. There was no possibility of a custodial sentence so she only needed a couple of small flowery clips.

“But for the barefoot bohemian brides facing investigation by parliamentary commission, I’d recommend the full Midsummar with associations of human sacrifice upholding a corrupt cult. You look gorgeous babes.”