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It's our turn to f**k, say Daly and Winkleman

CLAUDIA Winkleman and Tess Daly have announced they are leaving Strictly to embark on a no-holds-barred wildly debauched sexual relationship. 

With a decade of sizzling chemistry behind them but BBC regulations forbidding any involvement while they worked together, the pair have resigned and will go at it immediately following this year’s live final. 

Daly said: “Everybody else has been doing it. While we’ve just had to stand there and watch. 

“How many nights have I dreamed of parting that fringe tenderly, hands trembling with desire, to plant the kisses that will lead to our long-dreamed of Paso Doble? Of making her cry out in delight not as an EastEnders star gets a perfect 40, but in ecstasy? 

“We’ve rented a lodge in the Chilterns. From the Sunday when we crown the winning couple even unto the pre-recorded Christmas Day special with guests Will Self and Kathy Lloyd, we will be making love. Until we are both raw.” 

Winkleman agreed: “While the dancers have flaunted their passions, we have concealed ours. She through her robotic manner, me with the fake tan and aforementioned fringe. 

“No more. Those longings we’ve buried will burst out in a flood of rapture. Like Dooley and Clifton, like Riley and Kovalev, like Kaplinsky and Cole, we will fling ourselves headlong into bed without thought of the consequences. 

“After that I’ve still got work but she hasn’t so I’ll keep her around as a side piece.” 

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Why I'm the perfect choice to host Strictly, by Gregg Wallace

TESS and Claud leaving Strictly doesn’t mean the show has to end – it can easily continue if a beloved household name like me takes over. Here’s why I’m the obvious choice.

My schedule’s clear

Presenting a flagship show like Strictly Come Dancing requires total commitment. Luckily for the BBC my calendar is completely empty, except for a few meetings with my agent which wrap up in a couple of minutes these days anyway. You know where to find me when you’re ready, Auntie Beeb, locked in my bedroom playing Total War Saga and ignoring my kids.

The public already knows me

A well-known face is the perfect way to ease the departure of Tess and Claud. Viewers will be so excited to see me – the man they all know and love from that funny buttery biscuit base YouTube video – that they’ll quickly forget how sad they were about the changing of the guard. I’ll need a straight co-host to balance out my off-the-wall energy though. How about Huw Edwards?

A lack of relevant skills doesn’t stop me

I successfully hosted Masterchef for 20 years despite not being a professional cook. The camera simply couldn’t resist my troubling gurning and ability to make contestants feel ill at ease. I could have two left feet for all I know, but my loveable working-class charisma will be enough to carry Strictly. Anyone who disagrees is a stuck-up woman of a certain age who can go f**k themselves.

I’m no stranger to scandals

Anyone who presents Strictly Come Dancing has to be able to weather a scandal. My time on Masterchef was the perfect training ground for bad PR, because my former co-host John Torode was sacked over some off-colour jokes. As everyone knows I resigned at the same time in solidarity, which proves how honest and trustworthy I am for the Strictly gig.

It would be good for representation

The BBC loves box-ticking when it comes to its presenters, but they’re lagging behind when it comes to autistic hosts. Not hiring me would look like discrimination, so it’s in the broadcaster’s interest to give me a shot. It’s also the perfect excuse for when I inevitably end up shagging one of the dancers. It wasn’t me, officer, it was the autism.

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