Keith Richards tells Death to sling his hook

KEITH Richards has told Death to move along.

The 72 year-old Rolling Stones guitarist admitted that with all the terrible news lately, Death may be ‘getting ideas’, but stressed he remained bafflingly healthy.

Richards said: “I made Death my bitch after he tried to kill me for the ninth time.

“Anyway, this week he seems a bit scythe-happy when it comes to cherished performers, but I would strongly advise him not to waste his time.

“There is nothing to see here.”

He added: “All the deaths these last few years, it’s almost as if Death is trying to put together a cracking little dinner party. I hate dinner parties.”

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Entire nation standing far too close to the radiator

EVERYONE in Britain is standing so close to the radiator that it hurts.

As temperatures plummeted, millions of people across the country are getting home from work as quickly as possible so they can position themselves securely until bedtime.

Nikki Hollis, from Hatfield, said: “I get my phone and the TV remote and then stand so close to the radiator that it burns my arse.

“I stand there from the start of Coronation Street until the end of Midsommer Murders. Do not ask me about going to the toilet.”

Meanwhile, a British inventor has unveiled a special ‘radiator chair’ to combine maximum heat and comfort.

Mary Fisher said: “It’s essentially a bean bag that you wedge under the radiator.”