KELLY LeBrock has been talking about her new career in ranching, but attempting to watch her films is a bit of a slog. Here are more sex symbols you have to be very committed to ogling.
Milla Jovovich
An icon of repetitive, mindless action-horror thanks to husband Paul WS Anderson’s Resident Evil series. Male-gazing at her character Alice requires you to sit though hours of the genuinely nonsensical activities of the evil Umbrella Corporation. Is there even a market for decomposing zombie dogs? How does that work as a revenue stream?
Kelly LeBrock
Kelly’s breakout film was The Woman in Red, a misjudged midlife crisis comedy in which Gene Wilder’s attempts to woo her would actually result in her calling the police and keeping a knife by her bed. Her other big movie Weird Science involves a f**king tedious lesson in how we should embrace real life not fantasy, which feels a tad hypocritical in a film entirely based on the characters and audience fantasising about Ms LeBrock.
Burt Reynolds
Burt was a bona fide 70s and 80s sex symbol, but how many f**king comedy car and truck chases does a girl want to watch? The Cannonball Run and similar do at least give you plenty of Burt to enjoy, but unfortunately also CB radio gibberish, lame comedy fights and chest hair that would put a carpet tile to shame.
Emily Browning
The star of Sucker Punch, which is like emptying out the contents of a teenage boy’s mind and filming the detritus. Babes in underwear! Mechs! Hot samurais! Dancing babes in underwear! Final boss fights! Nazi zombies! And so on. Zack Snyder was 45 when he made it. With her other films including Ghost Ship and The Uninvited you’re best off ogling her by watching Legend and fast-forwarding through all the Tom Hardy bits.
Barbara Crampton
If you’ve not got a high tolerance for cheesy 80s comedy horror you’re going to find films like Re-Animator and From Beyond a bit of a chore, even to see Barbara in a charming bondage outfit. She’s been in at least five HP Lovecraft adaptations including Suitable Flesh, which is a remarkable achievement given that his stories contain precisely no tits except ones attached to hideous fish-people.
Bo Derek
Bo’s iconic bouncers come at the cost of watching a laborious comedy about a wealthy composer going through – oh good – a midlife crisis. After an hour of Dudley Moore mugging his way through various pratfalls, even your basest sexual instincts will be telling you to watch something else. You’re unlikely to have heard of most of Bo’s others films except Orca, a kind of socially-responsible Jaws that left no one with an irrational fear of killer whales.
Angelina Jolie
Angelina’s films have never quite lived up to her success at being beautiful. Girl, Interrupted isn’t in any way enjoyable, Tomb Raider is shit, Eternals just kind of exists… and that’s before you start on her early work like Cyborg 2. It’s the career equivalent of Cristiano Ronaldo being paid £178 million a year for being good at lads and dads.
