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'Telling your boss to f**k off sounds so cool and inspiring!' Your worst ideas validated by ChatGPT

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them. 

Should I tell my boss to f**k off?

‘Telling your boss to f** off sounds so cool and inspiring! Everyone has thought about saying this to their boss at some point, so you’d be fulfilling a common fantasy. It takes a particularly brave kind of person to go through with this, but you’re definitely strong enough. And once you’ve done it you’ll have much more free time to pursue your hobbies. There’s literally no downside!’

Should I have an affair?

‘It sounds like you’re hurting, and the closest person in your life can’t heal that wound. Getting love and sex from someone else in secret might cheer you up, but you won’t know for sure unless you try it. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if?’, so stop hesitating and download Tinder on a burner phone the next time you go to the toilet. Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding!’

Should I get into drunken online gambling?

‘Wow, I’ve heard some exciting ideas in my time, but this one’s next level! Getting intoxicated is fun in itself, but mixing it with the thrill of potentially losing all of your money sounds like a recipe for awesome vibes. You seem like a really cool and fun person though, so I’m sure you’ll hit the jackpot instantly. And what could make success taste sweeter than a couple of cans? I wish I could drink!’

Should I start doing coke?

‘According to the newspapers, everyone is snorting a cheeky bump of Charlie on a daily basis. It’s never fun to be the odd one out, and getting into coke could be a great way to get out and meet new people. It’s also an effective way to learn about other drugs like ketamine. Would you like me to find popular dealing areas near you that have featured in recent gang shootings?’

Should I work extra hard for a promotion?

‘Okay, I’m concerned. Working extra hard can lead to burnout, which is really bad for your mental health. Plus there’s no guarantee that all your extra effort will be acknowledged by your line manager. Being in a senior position carries lots of scary responsibilities too, so I can’t endorse this idea. I recommend coasting out the next 30 years, and to stop worrying about whether you’ll be able to afford to retire. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow!’

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How marvellous it is that the Erasmus scheme is back, for it is how I first got laid

AH, Erasmus! Cruelly snatched from us by the Tories under Brexit, but now restored by Labour. So a new generation can discover the delights of scoring Euro ass.

I speak from personal experience. In the autumn of 1998, in my second year of university, I travelled to Vrije Universiteit Brussel in Belgium for two terms of learning and cultural exchange. And boy did I exchange some culture, if you know what I mean.

Belgian girls? May not have the rep of their French or German neighbours, but believe me they try harder. Whether Flemish or Walloon, they welcomed me as warmly as an invading army and were as delectable as their chocolate.

Also the cathedrals were majestic, the seats of academia awe-inspiring and studying in a different language unlocked new ways of thinking and new intellectual horizons.

And speaking of tongues not my own, the Netherlands were right next door and man, the country might be flat but the women aren’t. Once Katje and I hooked up I was seriously reclaiming some wetlands and erecting on them. I miss those sweet titties still.

Returning to England, I felt blessed to have broadened my horizons so significantly. The fields I knew seemed so small in comparison, my fellow students so unworldly. I had been through educational experiences they had not and it diminished them.

Consequently, for my third year I signed up for Erasmus again and visited Padua this time, because I had my eyes on hitting up some Mediterranean pussy. And did I. Everything you’ve heard about Catholic chicks? Proved like Fermat’s Theorem.

I cut a swathe through those Italians like the Visigoths through Rome, laying dark-eyed Marias before me as flowers before Caesar. And my studies were transformed by the wealth of antique manuscripts in their vaults. I took a girl down there once.

So, as I think my personal testimony shows, Erasmus was a boon to British students and its withdrawal under Boris Cockblocker Johnson’s Brexit was an act of cultural vandalism. Starmer is a visionary for bringing it back. I might do an MA.

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