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Woman in 30s freaked out as everyone else starts looking like their parents

A WOMAN in her 30s has been left traumatised after realising her friends are starting to look and sound like their parents she remembers from childhood. 

Sophie Rodriguez, 32, was caught off guard by friends from childhood she associated with puking up Jägerbombs on nights out suddenly developing a passion for lawn care and big fridges.

Rodriguez said: “Hannah has started wearing M&S jumpers, describing them as ‘both warm and practical’. She had a fanatical glint in her eye, like a cult member. I’m shit scared.

“I went to stay at her house and showed up with a bottle of whisky to get wasted like we used to. Instead, she was already in pyjamas and spent the whole night talking about where to get affordable kitchen tiles.

“Her boyfriend Ollie has started wearing an anorak, has his dad’s bald spot and keeps listening to ABBA, even though he was born in 1992. He’s also reached that stage of male maturing where they suddenly know everything about motorways by osmosis and winces when you say you’re taking the M4.

“I stood in their kitchen while Hannah was serving up chicken nuggets and orange squash and accidentally addressed her as ‘Mrs Tomlinson’ because she looked so much like her mum. She even had glasses perched on the end of her nose. When she asked how work was, I nearly replied ‘school’s fine, thanks’.”

“She tuts at litter, tells me spots only get worse if you pick them and has bought a navy, quilted dog-walking jacket. They don’t even own a dog.”

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Nigella: At My Table, and other Christmas TV that would be improved by tasteful nudity

A GLUT of predictable Christmas TV fare awaits viewers, so the channels could at liven it up with some explicit – but tasteful – nudity. Here’s which shows would be radically improved.

Nigella: At My Table

Nigella’s career has been based on making food sexy, or more precisely, discovering a fit posh bird will get people to watch tedious things like someone making shortcrust pastry. As such some nudity would be a lovely ‘thank you’ to the fans. Nothing too explicit, just a few shots of nipples and buttocks as she coquettishly makes garlic and parmesan potato gratin. 

Call the Midwife

What better way to leaven weighty social issues like teenage pregnancy, drug addiction and the health needs of the traveller community than with some playful soft-core nudity? This would in no way be exploiting coincidentally attractive cast members like Helen George; hot nurses are a staple of Britain’s most respected dramas such as The Singing Detective. And Jenny Agutter has valuable experience of playing a naked nurse in An American Werewolf in London.

Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl

Popular, long-running shows face the question of how to keep the formula fresh. And the answer is: claymation erotica. Wallace and Gromit naked would be a more adult side to their characters we haven’t seen yet, and, for obvious reasons, they’d be two big stars who wouldn’t make a fuss about getting their kit off.

The Night Manager

Suave posho Tom Hiddleston’s many female fans would love to see him in the buff. This could be achieved naturally within the story by having Hiddy’s character change his career in hospitality from hotel manager to running a nudist resort. And with The Great Peep Show Christmas Bake Off also on this Christmas, a naked Olivia Colman would be a double treat for fans of the Channel 4 sitcom.

The Celebrity Apprentice Christmas Special

There’d be something for everyone here, with former Gladiators hunk Matt Morsia stripping off for the ladies and hot Irish TV presenter Angela Scanlon for the fellas. The bullshit business tasks would be performed in progressive states of undress and finally nudity. This would delight Sir Alan’s many haters as he is forced to recite gobshite catchphrases such as ‘I don’t like liars. I don’t like cheats. I don’t like bullshitters’ with his dick hanging out.

EastEnders 

For years EastEnders has been chasing Christmas ratings with increasingly horrific events, so a murder or sex crime is a pretty standard Boxing Day occurrence. The problem is, this strategy eventually leaves the writers with no way to up the ante without shoehorning in a chainsaw-wielding maniac. But there is one guaranteed way to ramp up the horror for viewers – random nude scenes featuring Phil Mitchell in the shower or a tight close-up of Max Branning’s penis.

James Martin’s New Year’s Day

ITV hasn’t really pushed the boat out this year, with bold choices of Christmas film like Love Actually and a swamp of no-effort, fill-the-schedules seasonal mush like this. There is literally no demand to see James Martin naked, but it might add a tiny sliver of novelty to watching him make turkey curry with exciting guests like Aled Jones.

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