by our movie reviewer Nathan Muir, who has an MA in screenwriting he has never used

THREE years ago, I and my fellow critics gave Avatar II a kicking. Then it made $2.3 billion. We have never felt so powerless, and now it’s going to happen again. 

Because I’ve seen it, with my 3D f**king glasses on like an imbecile, and it’s crap. Not even worth wasting invective on. Just crap, and dull, and the same as the last two drawn-out cliched epics of day-glo blueness. But what I think doesn’t matter, does it?

You don’t care if I think it’s a ‘lifeless retread of familiar concepts dressed up in 22 tonnes of glitter’. You couldn’t give a bugger that ‘in this universe, character development is the true unobtanium’. My ‘here’s a story about a guy that lives in a blue world’ line was lost on you.

No, you’ve already f**king booked, haven’t you? You and your f**king family. You could be seeing Marty Supreme which I gave my coveted five stars, but instead you’re seeing this.

Do you realise how impotent that makes me feel? My sage words ignored completely? We thought it would work last time. We crowed about Avatar having no fandom, leaving no trace in our culture. Like plucky Na’vi facing RDA forces, we believed we’d win.

F**king didn’t though, did we? Got stomped flat. Our cries of ‘3D’s over’ and ‘they’re just tall Smurfs’ went unheard by the herds.

And now another one’s out, and nobody even cares how many stars I give it. Even a rating out of ten wouldn’t move you. It’s almost like James Cameron is one of the most successful filmmakers of all time and I’m just a whining parasite on his flank.

Well, f**k you. Next time out, Avatar bloody IV, I’m giving it a glowing review and taking full credit for its success. It worked with Lord of the Rings.