KING Charles is to instruct the nation to look around at their family, decide who the bastard is and send them into exile in Norfolk.
The monarch will use his traditional speech to share his belief, validated by recent events, that rather than put up with an errant family member ruining Christmas year after bloody year you should simply dispose of them.
He will continue: “Perhaps you’ve resented this particular person, who gets all the perks but none of the responsibility, for decades. Perhaps they grin at you knowingly.
“And maybe, like me, you recently woke up to the fact there’s no-one protecting this relative any longer and with the stroke of a pen they can leave your life forever.
“If your situation does resemble mine in any way, then I urge you to act. To say ‘Sorry but I and the family never want to see you again. You are no longer welcome at any occasion. Leave now, without even grabbing a handful of Celebrations.’
“A brother does not have to be for life. He does not even have to be for Christmas. So if you have one who is an anus horriblis, get rid of him and be glad you did.”
Viewer Nathan Muir said: “Uncle Duncan laughed, spraying crumbs. The rest of us stared fixedly at him, before meeting each other’s eyes and nodding in agreement.”
