Mandela understandably exhausted

NELSON Mandela has passed away after wearing himself out by changing the world. 

Speaking months before his death, Mandela said: “I’m not normally one to complain, but I am absolutely knackered.

“Playing a major role in the overthrow of an oppressive racist political system, then running the country that emerges from its ashes while also being a key figure in global diplomacy, it really takes it out of you.

“Especially after you’re been in prison for decades, where the food and accommodation are not conducive to health and vitality.

“I have done quite a lot of things and now I am really very tired. I know Obama wants to see me but I really need to lie down on a bed.”

Hertfordshire-based sales manager Stephen Malley said: “He’s tired? I’ve got a working brunch, a presentation about regional sales figures then I have to pick the kids up from ice skating.”

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Young people just going to change pension age back later

YOUNG people have announced plans to lower the pension age by several decades once they are in charge.

When asked how they felt about working for another 45 years before getting a state pension, all under-25s favoured amending the law as soon those who made it get old and feeble.

Nail artist Emma Bradford, aged 19, said: “I have to retire at 70 to pay for my granny to retire at 62? Yeah, sounds perfectly fair to me.

“Or here’s another plan: how about we wait until all the government are dead, then just switch it back?”

22-year-old trainee lawyer Tom Logan said: “This government telling us what’s going to be happening in 20 years is like a mayfly making big plans for next month.

“So if they’re in power until later this year, and me and my mates get into government in 2040, that still gives us tons of time to change it back?

“Pretty sure we’ll manage it. It’ll be our second priority after legalising euthanasia.”