Morrissey enjoying International Day of Happiness

MORRISSEY  is spending the day enjoying all the good things life has to offer.

The singer, accompanied by cheerful, rosy cheeked pals Leonard Cohen and Will Self, is driving around in a red convertible, drinking wine in pavement cafes and making friendly chit-chat with strangers.

He said: “It would be churlish to be miserable today, a day dedicated to happiness everywhere, so I am indulging in 24 hours of upbeat optimism.

“And of course, the thing I love about International Happiness Day is that it actually causes a huge amount of anxiety as people get terribly worried about whether or not they are happy.”

Morrissey then began crooning What The World Needs Now Is Love while chirping cartoon bluebirds settled on his outstretched arms.

Passer-by Nathan Muir said: “Christ, even Morrissey’s happy now.

“That makes me wish I was dead.”


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End of days progressing nicely, says demon overlord

ARMAGEDDON is proceeding on schedule following today’s solar eclipse, the lord of the demons has confirmed.

The 1,000-foot tentacles of Cthulhu that slithered out of the moon’s shadow have levelled most of mainland Europe and the sharp-beaked man-birds that lurked out of the gloom appear to have most of the world’s destruction under control.

Fears that overcast weather would spoil the eclipse proved unfounded, with over 95 percent of the country able to scream in gibbering horror as the death of hope rained from the skies.

Cthulhu, the Great Old One, said: “The best thing about launching a million years of terror these days is most of my victims are too busy following Jeremy Clarkson’s career to notice.

“In a world of Kanye West, Paul Dacre and the ever-present threat of Adobe updates it’s not easy to think of new types of eternal suffering.”

Astronomers apologised for claiming the eclipse was nothing more than two objects aligning and have pledged to spend more time watching the sky for dread portents.

The next major astronomical event will be in November when a giant wolf will eat the sun heralding the 6000 year-long Time of Darkness.

Cthulhu added: “For the avoidance of doubt, my reign of misery will not affect services into London Bridge station.”