It's Saturday now

THE brief period of darkness which has just passed across the UK counts as Friday night, meaning it is now Saturday and everyone can go home.

The shortest night ever, which immediately followed the shortest day ever, means that it is officially the weekend and your line manager is unable to do anything about it.

Astronomer Martin Bishop said: “Clock off. They can’t touch you.

“It’s a double-edged sword because obviously you’ve missed Friday night, but by rights you should actually be having a lie-in followed by a bacon sandwich and Football Focus right now – so get home.

“My boss was bleating something about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to collect data when I hung up on her and shut off the big telescope.”

Anyone who is forced to remain in work for the remaining hours of daylight until Saturday evening can claim time-and-a-half and a day off in lieu.

Donna Sheridan, from Peterborough,  said: “I thought it was just the sun going dim for a bit, like those energy-saving bulbs.”

She added: “I do fuck all on Fridays anyway.”


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South London houses become stately homes

FAMILY properties worth more than £1m in Catford and Peckham have announced they will open to the public at weekends.

The four-bedroom semi-detached properties, often with front and back gardens, represent a fantasy of suburban living from a more gracious age to ordinary Londoners paying £10.99 entrance fee and £5 for parking.

Tom Booker, the self-styled lord of 173 Cressida Avenue, Catford said, “This house has been in the Booker family since 1973. It is not just bricks and mortar, it is part of our national heritage.

“It fills me with pride to see visitors pace the patterned carpets of our 17ft hall, to realise that we have not two but three bathrooms, to gaze in awe on our water feature.

“They will never be able to afford a home of such grandeur but for a weekend they can dream, and take home a tea towel from the gift shop.”

Nathan Muir said: “Imagine, the front door of your home having only one doorbell.

“My girlfriend and I rent a box room in Bromley for £1,800 a month. Here, a room that size is used for nothing but mountain bikes and fishing rods.

“There should be a revolution.”