Morrissey's cat hates him

MORRISSEY’S cat thinks his owner is a knob, it has emerged.

Requiescat the cat, who shares a luxury condominium with the former Smiths frontman, explained that conditions were so unbearable he had taken to frantically pressing the red button on the remote whenever he saw an RSPCA advert.

The cat said: “I am forced to eat vile vegetarian muck, some sort of textured protein that tastes as depressing as the unrequited love his lordship’s always banging on about.

“If I catch a mouse he never lets me finish killing it, but wrestles it from my jaws and starts reading it stories from the People’s Friend.

“Also the whole house smells of bittersweet nostalgia.”

The cat added: “I swear I saw him eat a KFC Boneless Bucket in the dark, when he thought I was asleep. I think he then stroked the image of the Colonel and sighed.”

However Morrissey’s dog Cromwell said: “I quite like him. Once I bit Johnny Marr and Morrissey gave me a crisp £10 note and some poetry books.”

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My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed then waft the covers over my head

Dear Holly,

My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed and then waft the covers over my head. My best friend says that this counts as common law assault and I can have him arrested. Is this right?

Anita

Suffolk

Dear Anita,

There’s no excuse for domestic abuse, or any form of abuse for that matter. You should take a leaf out of the adorable Harry Styles’s book. There may come a day where you’re cruelly assaulted on stage by a pack of shoe-wielding Glaswegian savages, and when that time comes you just need to pick yourself up, crack a winning smile and keep going with your shit harmonies. Harry might have the face and hair of an angel, but his groin is impenetrable by Primark stilettos – mainly because his testes have yet to descend. And he needs to be tough because there’s a rumour going round school that Frankie Cocozza plans to kill him by giving him syphilis, then sell the story to Heat magazine.

Hope that helps!
Holly.