Peaches Geldof pregnant with herself

PEACHES Geldof has revealed she is due to give birth to herself in less than two months.

Speaking at a fashion industry party in a Dalston public toilet, blogger/socialite/DJ Geldof explained she would be taking time out from her manic schedule to become a tiny version of herself in her own womb.

She said: “When I found out it was me in me I was like, WTF?

“One minute I’m sitting next to Pixie Lott, giving out death stares at a fashion show, the next, I’m encased in amniotic fluid. How totally psyched is that?”

Gynaecologist Dr Linda Graham said: “This is an extremely rare phenomenon which only affects a small minority of pathologically self-absorbed mothers-to-be.

“Peaches has devoted so much time to thinking and talking about herself that she has somehow impregnated herself with her own self-image.”

In cases like this, the biggest challenge for the obstetric team is ensuring Peaches doesn’t bore them stupid with tales about her edgy life in NYC and how she once read the back cover of Slaughterhouse Five and it was, like, totally trippy.

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “Peaches is doing an excellent job of kicking and receiving nutrients through her own umbilical cord.

“At this stage, or indeed at any stage, there is no requirement whatsoever for her to explain the laws of quantum physics. ”



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Lord Patten had all the jobs

HIGH unemployment figures have been blamed on Lord Patten, who has over 12,500 jobs.

As well as being Chairman of the BBC Trust, his roles include President of the Board of Trade, bus driver and stuntman.

Speaking as the Chancellor of Oxford University, Lord Patten said: “This level of multi-tasking is perfectly normal.”

However speaking the following day at McDonalds, he said: “I’m not allowed to talk at work.  Do you want fries with that?”