People who hate music excited about new Cheryl single

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

Sales administrator Emma Bradford, who plans to buy I Don’t Care, said: “I don’t like music, but I want some sound that I can put on at home when I feel the need to quell the voices in my head.

“I also like participating in whatever the telly tells me I should be doing.

“I’ve tried listening to albums by ‘musicians’ who are not celebrities but they make my frontal lobe hurt. The songs vary too much and the words are often quite strange and not that literal.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “I am going to buy this because I find her sexually attractive.

“It’s fucking pathetic but there you go.”

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Alan Pardew refuses to discuss giant looming sword

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

Pardew, who remained seated for the press conference due to a lethal electric charge wired to a pressure pad in his chair, insisted he could turn the club around.

He continued: “This device connected to my heart, operated by the remote control you saw the chairman toying with earlier, has no relevance to our league campaign.

“Next question… I’m sorry, I can’t make anyone out because of all these laser sights trained on my forehead.

“Something about Damocles? Big lad, midfield for MK Metalurg in the Macedonian League?

“We’re in talks with his agent.”

The manager urged reporters to keep asking questions because if the words “all about the team performance” were said fewer than ten times per minute the bomb would explode.