Prince Charles thinks Queen is Mother Nature

PRINCE Charles believes ‘Mother Nature’ and his mother the Queen are the same thing, it has emerged.

The Prince’s belief in his parent as an all-powerful elemental force became apparent during last night’s Countryfile.

Speaking on the programme, Prince Charles said: “Every time the grass grows, or a bunny skips about, that’s mother’s doing.  Frankly I’m not sure how she does it, especially with all those state visits she goes on.

“We must pay our respect and reverence to her, she’s a great deal more powerful than we are.  She can make an oak tree grow out of your stomach just by looking at you.”

Presenters Matt Baker and Julia Bradbury looked uncomfortable as the Prince bowed to a hawthorn bush and winked at a squirrel.

When asked about the weather, Charles replied: “That’s all mother’s doing as well.  It was all over the place last week, but of course that’s because she was mostly on the toilet.”

He added: “Mother Nature’s not going to last forever, and then of course I’ll take over.

“I’ll need your help at first, until I’ve got to grips with all the cloud machines and worm schedules.

“Things will be a little different when I’m in charge. There’ll be apples the size of footballs, and all the weasels will learn to dance.”

 

 

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Britain gets 24-hour music amnesty

FANS of unforgivable shit have been given a chance to hand in their CDs.

In a joint project between local authorities and the police, all music made in the last 15 years can be disposed of without resort to the Roxette Directive of 1991.

Music fan Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve had a couple of 5ive albums in the basement for years but I never thought they’d do any harm.

“I now realise that if they got into the hands of an uneducated teenager it could lead to a reunion and a reality show about the reunion. Or am I already too late?”

Hobbs added: “That said, they can have my Stereophonics albums when they claw them from my cold, dead hands.”

Hoarding of dangerously terrible music has become exponentially easier because of downloads, but attempts to control it have been opposed by militant Coldplay campaigners.

Civil liberties groups have also argued that, while owning every Robbie Williams album is abhorrent, it may also be an infringement of human rights to kick in your front door and melt them in front of your eyes with a blowtorch.

Music Enforcement Officer Tom Logan said: “If you listen to Abba because they’re good that’s fine, but if you’re doing it ironically then we’re coming for you.

“And because of the music involved it can’t be a 100 per cent ‘no-fault’ amnesty. Some people may be given a Chinese burn.”