HISTORIANS have warned that supplies of previously unknown women who can be held up as inspirational figures are about to be exhausted. 

Archivists have spent the last decade strip-mining the past for inspirational women, inspirational black women, inspirational brown women, inspirational trans women and inspirational women who can plausibly be described as ‘neurospicy’.

Professor Mary Fisher said: “Let me illustrate my mindset: I found records of a 17th century female abortionist who only killed 40 per cent of her patients and said ‘Yay!’

“That’s what we’re reduced to. Post-Mary Seacole there’s been a gold rush. Demand for historical women with achievements we approve of is unrelenting. I mean if you want nuns who converted thousands to Catholicism I’ve got plenty, but they’re not in vogue.

“Even worse is when we discover a pioneer who fought for women’s rights then find she was a massive racist who campaigned for lesbians to be lobotomised. Stupid past people, not meeting our standards.

“I’ve got a Polish woman who was very bad at painting who I’m going to claim was a groundbreaking surrealist. After her I’ll have to start making them up.”

Primary teacher Susan Traherne said: “I’m fine with them being made up.”