Princess named after three people Charles hates

PRINCESS Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was named after Prince Charles’ greatest enemies, it has emerged.

Royal insiders revealed the name is designed to drive Charles insane by reminding him of the people who ruined his life, thus paving the way for Prince William to succeed the Queen.

A source said: “It combines the person who refuses to relinquish the throne he covets and the person who made everyone think he was a shit.

“And Charlotte is a woman on eBay who keeps beating him to the Franklin Mint royal memorabilia he collects. Whenever he hears it his eyelid twitches for a good half hour.”

It is understood William and Kate forced Charles to accept the name by insisting it was a choice between Charlotte Elizabeth Diana and ‘Trotsky Ringpiece Robespierre’.

Meanwhile, the royal nannies will teach Princess Charlotte to say ‘you’ll never be king’ whenever she meets her grandfather.

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Bank Holiday refreshes workers’ loathing of jobs

A THREE-DAY weekend has reinvigorated workers’ resentment of the shit they have to do for money.

Sales co-ordinator Emma Bradford said: “There’s nothing like a tantalising taste of freedom to make the drudgery of your daily toil seem ten times as dreadful as it did last week.

“The break from the Monday morning routine makes you realise you could be something other than a puppet in the hands of money-obsessed bastards. Then it’s over before you have a chance to really get into it.

“Before the day is out I will shout at an innocent person, or cry, or both.”

Retail assistant Tom Booker said: “Here I am again, folding up jumpers in an air-conditioned hell while dreaming of my next toilet break.

“Perhaps it would be better to never have holidays of any kind, because this murderous feeling is so hard to control.”