Public Demands More Celebrities To Be Concerned About

ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.

As friends of Kerry Katona insisted the star was in good health, thousands of concerned viewers demanded another look at her when she has remembered to take her pills at the right time.

Barbara Hayes, a viewer from Accrington, said: "I have been quite concerned about Britney Spears, but she seems a lot better. I'd like to be concerned about Lindsay Lohan now.

"I have a feeling this whole lesbian thing is just a cry for help, so ideally I'd like to see her with her make-up all smeared and some dribble in the corner of her mouth."

She added: "I'd also like to see an interview with Katie Holmes where she seems all frightened and nervous and is constantly looking over her shoulder."

Carol Thompson, from Bath, said: "That Matt Lucas seems emotionally fragile at the moment. Perhaps they could slip something into his tea, just to see how he copes.

"I suspect it would be too much for him and all the anguish and heartache will come flooding out. I'd take the morning off work to see that."

Thompson added: "Like everyone else, I'm extremely concerned about Amy Winehouse. I hope the nice people at ITV have the decency to put her on so I can see how she's doing.

"I'm also quite concerned about Fern Britton and I think you know why. Perhaps Philip Schofield could ask her if it's chocolate biscuits."

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Guy Ritchie To Scam Madonna Out Of 500 Grand

GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates. 

Actor Jason Statham will pose as hard gambling Kaballah rabbi Abraham 'Uncle Uzi' Uziwitz to lure the singer into a rigged game of three card brag.

Ritchie's East End chinas 'Toulouse Sausage' and 'Cillit Bang' complete the fraud posing as the Hindu mystic poker players 'Hatchet' Hari Kumar and Rajju 'Turban Bob' Bhaharama.

One friend said: "The set up is so simple, it's genius. First Jason 'accidentally' bumps into Madonna at the gym when she's boxing Gorgeous Geoff, the gay Romany fish monger.

"He lets slip that Ray Liotta is planning a diamond heist, but in fact he's running a tyre factory that's really a front for a Bangladeshi heroin co-operative.

"Meanwhile Kumar, Rajju and Dexter Fletcher steal a stash of ham from Boris 'Russian Larry' Bovovich, who's just murdered Frankie Fifty-Knuckles for forgetting to pay his congestion charge."

He added: "Suddenly, there is an enormous shoot out and everyone dies, apart from Robert Downey Jnr who is last seen driving away in an open-top Ferrari laughing like a madman.

"Then Leslie Phillips, whose been posing as 'Gary the Gent', kills Madonna with an antique rowing machine and Guy gets all the kids, except the black one, which he gives to Bono for a briefcase full of diamonds."