Queen cracks out pleb dinnerware for Harry and Meghan visit

THE Queen brought out the most tatty and unpleasant dinnerware in Windsor Castle for the visit of non-royals Meghan and Harry, it has been confirmed.

During the visit of her grandson and his wife, who have rejected their titles, the Queen dutifully followed royal protocol by using the cheapest and worst-looking dinnerware which is specially saved for such an occasion.

Royal correspondent Denys Finch-Hatton said: “For years people have been asking why the Queen owns these ugly, chipped plates if she’s never going to use them. But on Thursday their time finally came.

“As Harry and Meghan sat down at the dinner table, Her Majesty made a big show of staggering over to the sideboard and breaking out the tacky, mismatched crockery she clearly picked up from Facebook Marketplace.

“To make things worse, she hovered over a stack of Cath Kidston plates before reaching for even shitter cutlery. It came from several different sets and included a child’s Mickey Mouse spoon. It added insult to injury and the Queen was visibly loving every passive-aggressive second of it.”

Meghan said: “As she laid the table, the Queen leaned in close and generously said I could have all these plates when she’s gone. Then she cackled for 20 minutes straight.”

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Indoor plants are pussies, outside plants confirm

PLANTS that tough it out in the garden have confirmed that plants which live pampered lives indoors are absolute pussies.

While the delicate little weaklings inside need exactly the correct amount of light and water or they will shrivel up and die, those outside can cope with lashing rain, lengthy heatwaves and short winter days without giving a f**k.

Hellebore Lucy Parry said: “Those wimpy little twats inside don’t know they’ve been born. I’ve been out here for four years, come rain, shine and being constantly pissed on by the dog.

“I see them sitting in the window lording it over me while I get lacerated by that idiot man who’s careless with the strimmer, but I wouldn’t swap with them for the world.

“Well, that’s what I try to convince myself anyway. I’m doomed to suffer because of the accident of my birth. When is it my turn to be lovingly misted instead of whacked in the stem with a football?”

Orchid Martin Bishop said: “I’m sensitive to root rot, over-watering, direct sunlight, cold and low humidity, so I can see why I’ve got a reputation as a bit of a diva.

“But, my god, I’d love to go outside. It’s not like I’m some kind of delicate flower. Oh, actually that’s exactly what it is.”