Royals the fags are more royal than you, Queen tells Harry

THE Queen has informed the Duke of Sussex that Royals the king-sized cigarettes are more royal than he and his tart will ever be. 

Her Majesty, talking to her grandson on a transatlantic phone call, went on to list a number of other household products that have more right to call themselves ‘royal’ than he does.

She said: “You remember the fags? You got 25 in a packet. They’re properly royal. You’re not.

“Also there’s Royal Canin the dry dog food, Royal Gala apples, the Royal Jelly bath stuff you get at Boots, Royal Doulton the china and the Royal Rumble wrestling event famously won by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

“Then there’s all the ‘By Royal Appointment’ shops and all the stuff I slap my crest on in return for a few free pallets a year, from Gordon’s Gin to Golden Syrup.

“However what is not royal, not in the slightest, is you. Or your actress. You are less royal than anything I’ve mentioned. You are less royal than the Theatre Royal in Bury St Edmunds.

“Enjoying Canada? Nice isn’t it, I own it. Bye.”

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Scotsman who visited London still laughing about 'hummus'

A SCOTTISH man who saw the product ‘hummus’ in a London supermarket still cannot believe it is real.

William McKay of Stirling spotted the unbelievable item in a Tesco Metro when visiting the capital for a training course, and has been chuckling drily to himself ever since.

McKay said: “‘Hummus’. Honestly, you cannot believe it. I was pissing myself laughing when I got on the train home all the way up to Berwick-on-Tweed.

“What are you supposed to do with that stuff? Is it like gravy? I wish I’d bought a pot to show around, but I don’t suppose they’d have sold it me once they heard the accent.

“Is it soup? Do you spread it on bread? Do you eat it drunk? How do the crazy bastards come up with this stuff?”

McKay added: “Eat some? No, I wouldn’t do that.”