Sale Of Clooney Villa 'Like A Bereavement', Say Men

GEORGE Clooney's decision to sell his lakefront Italian villa is like the death of a close friend, men said last night.

Since Clooney bought Villa Oleandra, on the shores of Lake Como in 2002, millions of men around the world have taken comfort from the idea that at least one of them had got life exactly right.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "There was no jealousy, just a quiet satisfaction that one intrepid adventurer had ascended to the mountaintop and gazed upon the promised land, without being a total dick about it.

"There's never really been anything to compare it to. The closest anyone has got would have been our grandfathers imagining what it would have been like to be friends with David Niven."

Asking to be left alone for a while, Professor Brubaker added: "George Clooney and that house meant everything to me. What am I supposed to do now? Would someone please explain what the fuck I'm supposed to do now?"

Martin Bishop, a man from Hatfield, said: "When other stars were taking drugs and generally treating everyone like shit, George was sitting on his terrace watching the sun slip behind the Italian Alps while pouring a glass of something rather nice for a magnificently beautiful woman.

"And that would be at the end of a day spent planning a funny, intelligent film and scooting around the lake in his vintage motor boat, slugging a few Peronis and exchanging wisecracks with Brad Pitt and Matt Damon."

He added: "These paparazzi are men too. Someone has to tell them what's at stake. If George cannot live, all men will die. You know… on the inside."

Tom Logan, a man from Finsbury Park, said: "When I squeeze myself onto the Northern Line on a cold, wet February morning and spend 35 minutes being drenched in the post-breakfast flatulence of strangers I would drift off and think of George buzzing round the lakeside on his Harley, stopping off for an espresso and making easy small talk with the locals. I would think of the house. The beautiful, beautiful house.

"And now they're saying it's going to be owned by David Beckham. The whiny-voiced beelzebub. The beast with multiple endorsements.

"The anti-George."

 

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Wayne Bridge's World Cup Dream Ruined By John Terry's Penis

MANCHESTER City defender Wayne Bridge today admitted his World Cup dream had been destroyed by the penis of John Terry.

Bridge issued a statement through his lawyers, ruling himself out of England selection, insisting his place in the squad had been made untenable by his former Chelsea team-mate's desire to ejaculate every five minutes.

He said: "If you'd asked me three years ago if I thought I would have to retire from international football and see my dream of playing in the World Cup torn from my grasp because of the pudgy little dick of some hair-gel wearing ponce then I would probably have said 'no'."

The statement continued: "Today I think back on all those times we stood next to each other in the showers at Stamford Bridge and I would inadvertently catch sight of John obsessively playing with himself like some grubby, demented pervert.

"Not once did it occur to me that such a scrawny, wrinkled inch and a half of flesh would one day prevent me from swapping jerseys with Lionel Messi."

He added: "As a professional footballer you always worry that your dreams could be ruined by a cruciate ligament injury or possibly even a nasty groin strain.

"But if a groin is going to have a negative impact on your career then it should, at least, be your own."

The full-back said he wished the squad the best of luck in South Africa except for Terry who he hopes is eaten alive by a dirty great crocodile, starting with his tiny cock.