YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years:
The gushing crap
You may have noticed that Ariana gets emotional. At first it’s cute, but it soon gets on your tits. She said ‘I am blessed by such an unconditional gesture of love’ after I changed the batteries in the remote.
Cynthia Erivo coming round
I mean, that wasn’t normal, was it? Cynthia used to turn up and they’d sit there mysteriously holding hands and ‘healing the missing chunks of each other’, apparently. I’m still not sure what that was about, but I’m looking forward to having a girlfriend with normal mates who sit there silently implying she could do much better.
The pretentiousness
Any boyfriend of Ariana needs to be able to listen to things like ‘I’m processing the space between the notes’ and ‘I had to build a facade to survive the art’ and nod and smile encouragingly. It needn’t be something you split up over. I wore earbuds.
The therapy-speak
I think all boyfriends love to be asked questions like: ‘Are you afraid to be emotionally available?’ Little tip: ‘I left my wife and newborn baby for you’ is, somehow, not the right answer.
The frigging tattoos
Ariana loves ink, especially in Japanese and Hebrew, and that’s an accident waiting to happen. She still doesn’t know that what’s meant to be her album title actually says ‘joyful chopstick embolism’. And now I’ll never have to be the one to tell her.
Accidentally knocking her over by moving through a room too quickly
Not with physical contact. Just the rush of air caused by my passage sends her flying, then she’s on top of the bookshelf behind a Grammy and you’ve got to get her down with a broom.
Bloody Wicked
If you go out with Ariana you’re going to hear a lot about Wicked, and I say that as someone who was in it. But with her it’s all about how she and Glinda shared the same pain. I call bullshit on that until she’s offers proof she lost her best friend saving a land of oppressed magic animals.
The weeping
I’m all for showing emotion – I work in musical theatre – but with Ariana it’s all the time. Weeping for five minutes is not an appropriate response to seeing a dead flower, running out of rice cakes, or being perfectly happy. I’m just glad I won’t be around next time the U-bend blocks.
