Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

The new brain made its red carpet debut at a charity gala in Los Angeles last night sporting a new ‘bed-head’ hair style and swigging madly from a bottle of Thunderbird.

A spokeswoman said: “Victoria has achieved so much as a hair and clothing owner, but with her new brain she will finally be able to emulate that success in the field of quantum physics, specifically hyper-advanced string theory, if she can stay off the booze.”

She added: “For those who follow Victoria’s styling choices, the brain is a medium biscuit colour, a bit like a Maryland cookie, and is covered in a thick translucent goo that tastes of chicken liver paté.”

Beckham’s new brain belonged to eccentric genius Stephen Malley, who wore the same vest for 53 years, was terrified of meringues and had an IQ higher than that of the combined population of Wiltshire.

Neurologist Dr Julian Cook said: “It remains unclear how Malley’s brain will behave in Victoria Beckham’s body in the long term. But I imagine the first 24 hours will be devoted to eating sausage rolls and playing with the tits.”

Celebrity pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Brain transplants are the big thing in LA right now.

“Tom Sizemore has had his replaced with the brains of two Bonobo monkeys while friends of Shia LaBoef say he is now a blue fin tuna who can’t act.”

Victoria Beckham’s original brain is to be donated to the Institute for Studies where it will be used to wipe down the fridge.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We don't have Facebook accounts, say people who actually care about privacy

PEOPLE who are even remotely interested in the concept of privacy could not possibly have a Facebook account, it has been confirmed.

Millions of people who understand what the word means expressed confusion over Facebook users concerns about privacy and stressed they would continue to mind their own business, thank you very much.


Tom Logan, a man aged between 35 and 44 from the Bedfordshire area, said: “I have eight people I share the details of my life with. I live in the same house as two of them and the other six have phone numbers which I keep in a little book.

“Meanwhile – and this is where it gets a bit technical – they keep my phone number in their book and periodically we use the numbers to facilitate occasions where we exchange information and opinions. The privacy setting is inside my brain and involves me either saying things or not saying things.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Facebook ‘privacy’ is a bit like going into a cake shop and then being told you’re under no obligation to buy a cake. It’s all absolutely fine, in a doing-things-by-the-book kind of a way, but the only reason you came in is because there were loads of lovely big cakes in the window.”

He added: “Having a Facebook account means that you would be quite happy to empty the top drawer of your bedside cabinet onto someone else’s coffee table.

“You’re basically saying ‘look at all the foreign coins, odd socks and old watch straps I have. Look at my toenail clippers and my Alan Titchmarsh autograph. Look at my ancient condoms or my battery operated ‘chin massager’. LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT NOW!!!“‘.

Tom Logan added: “I’ve got an idea for a website. It’s called How’s About We All Just Leave Each Other the Fuck Alone for Five Minutes.