'When she saw me in lizard form she was horrified', broken-hearted Murdoch confesses

BROKEN-HEARTED bachelor Rupert Murdoch has been dumped. Here he talks us through how true love ended so soon. 

I should have listened to what my father told me. Not ‘screw all the bastards, I’d screw over the whole world forever if I could.’ I listened to that.

But ‘son, you never know how a woman really feels until you’ve shed your human form’ which turned out to be just as true. And I don’t mind me saying it’s left me pretty bloody hurt.

I really trusted Ann. So I took her up to my private vivarium, and I said ‘Honey, there’s something you should know about me. Something… wonderful.’

Eagerly awaiting her reaction, I took my scalp in both hands, tore down the hidden seam, and revealed my true reptile self. ‘Babe,’ I said, ‘I’m a hyperintelligent Illuminati lizard whose ancestors migrated to this world from Sirius 13,700 years ago.’

And what happened? She screamed. She backed away. She said, and these words will scar me forever, ‘bad enough that you’re the evil media bastard who’s driven the world to ruin, but a f**king lizard?’

Wendi never said that. She much preferred me in lizard form. Jerry was fine with it, obviously, because Mick was one. I guess I’d forgotten that people can be so horribly, irrationally prejudiced.

And now I find myself alone again, mateless, with only another 170 years until the Great Spawning. So find compassion in your heart, because under it all Rupe’s just like you.

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We’re entitled to one fatberg per child, say parents using wet wipes

PARENTS challenged on their wet wipe use have argued that surely they are allowed to produce at least one fatberg for every child. 

After Therese Coffey announced a ban on plastic wet wipes from 2024, families are concerned that raising a child will become impossible just because of a few minor sewer-blocking fatbergs.

Mother-of-three Helen Archer, aged 35, said: “Have you ever met a child? All they do is piss, shit, vomit and knock stuff over.

“Without wet wipes, every family home will be flooding bodily fluids and Ribena onto the streets. It’ll be a breeding ground for new plagues with sickly top notes of blackcurrant.

“They say they’re just banning the ones with plastic in, but we all know how that works. First they came for my Asda own-brand 700 unscented wipes, and I didn’t speak out.

“What’s wrong with fatbergs, anyway? Can’t we tow them to Antarctica and let polar bears live on them? Where’s the commitment to recycling when it would help hard-working families?”

Asked if she would go down a sewer and break up a fatberg in exchange for keeping wet wipes, Archer said: “Christ, no. If it went that far I’d just use a wet cloth.”