HELLO, I’m John Cleese, founding member of Monty Python turned furious old bastard, and I’m finding out why it’s illegal to be white in Britain today.
In an investigation for Channel 4, commissioned by aging white men terrified for their very lives, I aim to discover how being white became a crime subject to the ultimate penalty – cancellation.
Follow me into the leafy, suburban ghettos where whites have been exiled to, scratching out their six-figure salaries, struggling to understand why they have been banned from even proclaiming their lives matter.
One man gives me a chilling insight into Britain’s treatment of Caucasians, sharing a story about an NHS form that provided no ‘White English’ option in its nationality section until he looked a second time.
Another tells me a harrowing tale about being cautioned by the police. His only ‘crime’? Spray painting racial slurs on the window of a Londis while humming God Save the Queen.
Later, I take on the London’s politically correct workerati, and demand to know how they expect comedy to function without key tools of the trade like racism, men dressing as women and casual blackface.
And finally I ask, if it’s illegal to be white why haven’t I been arrested? How are the cancelled still here, walking the streets? How can a man such as I, with a finely-honed eye for absurdity, be spouting this nonsense with a straight face?
Then I do the Ministry for Silly Walks and ruin that as well.