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Why was Tom Hardy fired? Six scurrilous and verifiably untrue rumours

TOM Hardy has been dismissed from hit drama MobLand, which is on a channel you do not watch and have never heard of. But why? We make up the reasons: 

Edging Helen Mirren

Rumours say that Hardy made Mirren wait, but they don’t say what he made her wait for. Her fury arose from his tormenting her by keeping her on the very edge of orgasm before cruelly pulling back for up to eight hours a day, exhausting her 80-year-old body. And the same goes for Pierce Brosnan.

Insisting on real executions

Keen to add grit and reality to his performance, Hardy refused to perform mob executions unless bullets, victims and death were all unfeigned. “What’s the problem?” he reportedly asked the director. “There’s tons of people with nothing to live for who the world’s better off without. Need me to make a list?”

Because MobLand doesn’t need a capital L in the middle of it

Day after day, shoots were ruined because midway through Tom would break off from delivering dialogue to say “Look, it’s either two f**king words or it’s one f**king word. If we’re doing a f**king portmanteau then we need to f**king commit. Or put a space in. I can’t work like this. I’ll be in my trailer.”

Always on MySpace

Hardy loves MySpace (“It’s fine to have a capital S, it’s a f**king tech company”) where he had such a compelling social media presence, and still spends ten hours a day logged into it. On the rare occasion he finds another user on there all shooting is abandoned while they trade mp3s, customise backgrounds and rearrange their top eight friends.

Confusion about which Tom he is

All actors have a slender sense of self, and Tom was regularly found staring into mirrors saying “So, wait. I’m engaged to Zendaya?” “No, that’s Tom Holland.” “But I did previously date Taylor Swift?” “That was Tom Hiddleston.” “Tell me I was in The White Lotus. Don’t f**k me about here. I was in that.” “That… was Tom Hollander.” “WHO THE F**K AM I?”

Demanding his character be more like Robbie Rotten from LazyTown

Every morning there would be fresh script notes from Hardy, and every day they would point in the same direction. ‘Think maroon and purple striped suit for this scene?’, ‘Let’s add sequence where I eat junk food while watching TV’ and ‘Can we call make-up about artificial chin?’

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Five weekend plans you shouldn't share with your colleagues

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself:

Passing out shitfaced

Besides being too revealing, the fact that you’ll be drunkenly falling to the floor in a puddle of your own puke is a given. You might as well tell your coworkers you’ve got a fun weekend of breathing lined up. No need to explicitly admit you’re a lush, so just give a vague impression and say you’re meeting friends for a drink. They’ll fill in the rest with their imaginations.

Gooning for 48 hours

Kink shaming be damned, embarking on a two-day wankathon is disturbing in and of itself. Telling your colleagues about it will only make things worse as you’ll have to explain what gooning is to team members who aren’t as online or perverse. They always wondered if you were a tragic, sex-starved loser, but there’s no need to confirm their suspicions in graphic detail.

Crying over the state of your life

Just because you work in an open-plan office doesn’t mean you need to be open about your emotional wellbeing. So what if you’re going to spend Sunday evening curled up in the fetal position sobbing over the terrible choices that have led to your shit life? Everyone else does it; they just have the decency to talk about some tedious film they’re going to watch instead.

Embarking on an affair

Keep this to yourself to protect the health and safety of your colleagues. The most exciting discussions they have are about the printer’s ink levels and KPI forecasts, so telling them that you’re planning to sneak off to a Travelodge to shag your mate’s missus senseless will cause them to pass out from excitement. Instead fob them off with some bollocks about going for a roast.

Spending quality time with your loving family

Not everyone in your office is lucky enough to have found love and reproduced, you inconsiderate bastard. Donna from accounts will put on a brave face if you talk about these plans, but she’ll scurry off to the loo for a massive cry when you’re not looking. Just say you’re going to watch the football, nobody really gives a shit what you’re doing anyway.

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