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Six other US icons Trump could slap his stupid f**king face on

PRESIDENT Trump is putting his ridiculous petulant face on a $250 dollar bill for the exclusive use of his pals in organised crime. But what else could he put it on?

The US flag

Fifty stars, representing each of the US states, or one Trump representing everything that is great about America and everything it could ever hope to be? If you’re Trump or in his cult, there’s no question. The stripes will now be trails of blood, each terminating in the decapitated head of one of his enemies. Enormously classy.

The Statue of Liberty

There’s no way he knows it’s French. Once he finds out he’ll be outraged that a Gallic whore presides over New York’s harbour, brazenly inviting the tempest-tossed to f**k her, he’ll order the face removed and replaced with his own. The body will remain unchanged because he knows his supporters like tits. The result will represent America today.

Mount Rushmore

Not just the addition of Trump, which has long been accepted as inevitable, but replacing all four faces – Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln – with Trump, on the grounds ‘many are saying’ he has surpassed all of them. The Four Faces of Trump will be Stern, Serious, Resolute and That One He Pulls While Dancing To YMCA.

The Hollywood sign

There are three Os in Hollywood. Trump, by virtue of his 14 seasons on The Apprentice, is the greatest star the entertainment industry has ever known. Therefore those Os should be replaced by his wonderful visage, looming over liberals to make them mad. One looking left, one looking right, one staring straight at the camera like a cheap Judge Judy.

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Trump’s senility is advancing at such pace he will soon believe himself to have fought in Vietnam. The black granite of Washington DC’s memorial, bearing the names of all those lost in the conflict, will be updated with Trump’s visage etched across it. It will make some names illegible but that’s fine, they were stupid for dying anyway.

The Eternal Flame (Graceland and John F Kennedy)

Finally, inspired by a sycophantic AI video made by Nigerians pretending to be patriotic Americans for social media clicks, Trump will order the flames burning at the graves of Elvis and JFK to become flames shaped like his face. $228 billion will be invested in creating this impossible effect. He will only skim off $196 billion of this. It won’t happen.

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The Backrooms, and other horror concepts that collapse under the slightest scrutiny

HORROR movie The Backrooms is being praised by critics for its clever liminal concept, but will audiences agree? Here are more terrifying ideas that don’t stand up to much scrutiny.

Annabelle

Here’s an idea: if you’re a demon, why not inhabit a doll that can easily be picked up by humans and placed in a glass case blessed by a priest that’s impossible for you to escape from? Well done, you’ve just put yourself in prison. Maybe possess something more mobile next time, like a kangaroo?

The Backrooms 

The selling point is ‘liminal’ space, in this case a maze of office corridors that are spookily deserted. But from a cinematic point of view it’s extremely boring watching someone walking round an office, so there are scary monsters. They’ll turn you into goo and use it to make more backrooms. So that’s not liminal, it’s an entirely reasonable fear of being turned into goo. 

Final Destination 

Why are scientists and the world’s media not all over this? Death’s had six murder sprees thus far, plus all the millions (?) of slayings that weren’t in a film, and he always uses exactly the same MO. Forget needing to convince people Death is after you, most nights there’d be something on the news like: ‘The Home Office has launched a website with advice on what to do if you’ve cheated death and will now be killed in an entertainingly convoluted way.’

The Ring

Vengeful spirit Samara kills people who watch a cursed VHS tape, but when you consider all the stuff she gets up to – threatening phone calls, telepathy with a horse, mangling people to death – it’s clear she has near-limitless powers. The victims are effectively random, so why doesn’t she just go for a walk and kill everyone she sees? And why risk someone ending the curse by accidentally taping over it with Match of the Day?

Hereditary 

A cult stalks a family, gradually weakening them psychologically until King of Hell Paimon can possess a male body, in this case the dickhead teenage son, all of which depends on a plan to kill his annoying sister in which a million things can go wrong. It would be so much easier to kidnap a depressed person Paimon can just hop into, but then Toni Collette couldn’t give a critically-acclaimed performance that makes you want to watch something more fun.

Sinister 

Goth twat demon Bughuul has to do a phenomenal amount of planning to eat children’s souls, so it’s reasonable to ask for a bit more detail on this. Hasn’t science established that souls don’t exist? And if they do, isn’t it God who gives us souls? What if God’s annoyed with Bughuul messing with his creations? And just to clarify the eating bit, does he literally eat them, like with a knife and fork? Can you put them in the air fryer for a healthier option?

Longlegs

Boy, there was a lot of hype for this film in which the Devil gets fake nuns to deliver creepy lifesize dolls containing a mysterious metal sphere to families on their daughter’s birthday which causes the father to murder everyone. Who established this horribly complicated system for harvesting souls? There was none of this bollocks in The Devil Rides Out, proving once and for all things were better in the good old days.

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