Yeti DNA-tested live on Jeremy Kyle

THE Yeti has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show to settle questions of its parentage.

Standing on the opposite side of the studio from a black bear, a polar bear, the American Bigfoot and the Canadian Sasquatch, the Yeti looked nervous as Kyle opened an envelope.

An audience member said: “When Kyle announced that the Yeti was a hybrid of the polar bear and bigfoot, all hell broke loose.

“Sasquatch backhanded Bigfoot across the face for all the years she’d said he was definitely the real dad and the polar bear bit a cameraman.

“Kyle was in the middle howling in delight at the bloodshed, his fangs fully extended.”

Security managed to calm the situation and the polar bear delivered an impassioned monologue about how he’d always known the Yeti was his and how guilty he felt for not being there during his childhood, breaking off only to eat seal guts.

The Yeti was then asked to choose between his biological father and the Sasquatch who raised him, who was swigging Jack Daniels from the bottle and showing girls his tattoos.

Finally Sasquatch stormed off stage back to his lazy, high-altitude life in Tibet.

Kyle said: “We’re hoping for better results next week, when our guest is the Loch Ness monster and I’m asking him when he’s going to stop lying around in freshwater sediment at taxpayers’ expense and get a bloody job.”

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Bright poor kids work out they're probably f*cked

MANY poorer pupils are bright enough to understand their own limited prospects, it has emerged.

A new study of social mobility found bright, poor pupils understood their place in the social hierarchy just as well as their public school counterparts.

11-year-old state school pupil Tom Booker said: “I’ve done some research in my spare time, and basically everyone in a position of power seems to have gone to a fee-paying school.

“And our politicians don’t seem clever, in fact they’re dicks, so I guess it is who you know.

“If I bust my arse I might get to be an assistant bank manager, which doesn’t really appeal so I’ll probably get into drugs.”