'Eat Your Rubbish' Say Councils

SCOTTISH councils are planning to shift from weekly refuse collections to never because householders keep on filling their bins with dirty rubbish.

Research by the councils shows that every time a bin is emptied of waste inconsiderate househoulders start to fill them up all over again with more disgusting stuff.

Harry Baldon, rubbish spokesman for the councils, said it was clear the only way to stop people throwing all this filth away was by removing bins altogether.

He said: “We would not mind so much if people just put nice clean stuff in our bins, which we could make good use of.

“But every week they are packed full of disgusting smelly shite, which we then just have to throw away.

"Why can’t people get rid of their own rubbish, rather than using our bins all the time? It’s not very nice for us you know.”

According to the Scottish councils rampant bin provision is bad for the environment as it encourages homeowners to discard huge amounts of recyclable items such as fluff, lint, dust, and old scabs.

Yet all these materials are easily salvageable and can be re-used around the house for a variety of purposes such as horse-brass polishing or, in the case of scabs, loft insulation.

Mr Baldon said far too much household waste was also being discarded in bins when it could easily be eaten.

He said: “Banana peel can make a very tasty and nutritious snack, as do old fingernails and used-up coffee grounds. There really is no need for anyone to throw any of this stuff away.”

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Record Companies Call For Ban On Whistling

THE world's leading record companies have joined forces to call for a ban on whistling, claiming it is an infringement of copyright. 

A spokesman for Sony Records said: "Every year we are losing more than $200 trillion thanks to a loophole that allows human beings to whistle.

"Frank Sinatra was forced to sell two of his boats because he was unable to collect royalties from busy old men whistling Strangers in the Night."

Under the proposals whistling will be banned unless the whistler is prepared to pay 79p for each song or part of a song.

Anyone who continues to whistle without paying will be served with a banning order.

If they breach the banning order they will have their lips stapled shut and be fed through a tube.

A spokesman for the Disney Corporation warned: "Let's be clear on this. If you whistle Whistle While You Work while you work we'll make all your nightmares come true."