All dogs on dog Tinder

DOGS are using social media for no-strings hookups with other dogs, it has emerged. 

Experts believe that all dogs are using dog phone apps to meet fellows dogs for secret liaisons, often under their owners’ noses.

Stephen Malley, a golden retriever, said: “I use Doggr to meet other dogs who I might like to casually hump while I’m out and about.

“I’m in a committed relationship with a chew toy, but there’s such a thrill about meeting some anonymous dog in the park and just going at it in the bushes.

“I like to have my owner with me in my profile picture, because it shows I have a sensitive, affectionate side, and bitches love that.”

Nikki Hollis, a highland terrier, said: “I like Sniffr, because it matches me with other dogs whose anal glands I want to sniff. Which is all other dogs.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We believe users of Doggr only ever swipe right, whether they’re looking at a picture of a dog, an armchair, a human leg, or a cat.

“We have also identified dog Uber, which involves lying down and whining until you’re picked up and carried home.”

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Processed red meat found to sort you out

EATING large amounts of fried and processed red meat sorts you out, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that sausages, bacon and even those microwave burgers can halt the ‘rough’ feeling that typically follows a drinking session but that you also sometimes get for no reason.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We don’t know how processed red meat works to sort you out. It may be the high salt content, its greasiness or simply something to do with absorbing the life force of the animal.

“It’s probably something like the animated map at the start of Dad’s Army, except the German army arrows are the feelings of roughness and the British arrows are sausages, bravely fending it off.”

The discovery follows tests in which hungover ‘group A’ was given array of processed meat products including bacon and that pink oblong thing they sometimes sell at Lidl, while ‘group B’ had a grapefruit and some cereal which did not sort them out at all.

Brubaker added: “It’s unclear if you can eat too much processed red meat, but probably not because your body can just store it as fat to be used when required.”