Another glorious sunny f**king Monday

THE UK has woken up to yet another glorious, sunny, complete waste of decent weather because it is a Monday. 

Across Britain, workers have gazed longingly at clear blue skies before entering the office where an eternity of grey ceiling tiles stretches out above them for the next eight hours. 

Whether children in school staring out at empty playgrounds, retail workers manning their tills on deserted high streets or warehouse employees looking longingly at shafts of golden light, the country has agreed that it is a mockery that should not be allowed. 

Legal secretary Susan Traherne said: “Just fucking look at it. 

“Hot, gorgeous, and who’s thronging the open-air swimming pools? Nobody at all because it’s a bloody Monday. Even the students have got exams. 

“Who does the admin on this weather? Because they are getting it wrong just again and again.

“All I’m saying it it’d better be sunny on Saturday. Oh no, I forgot, it’s the Royal Wedding so I need it to rain.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Fray Bentos to change pie tin but keep contents disgusting

THE makers of Fray Bentos pies have reassured fans that although the tins are changing, the contents will remain vile.

A Fray Bentos spokesman said: “Although we are altering our iconic tins to make them easier to open, the gruesome meat slurry and claggy pastry topping will stay exactly the same.

“We don’t want to alienate our long-suffering customers but making something edible.”

Fray Bentos fan Stephen Malley said: “If they made these pies less rank, it would not be such a badge of honour to be able to eat a whole one.

“I once saw a hipster trying to semi-ironically eat a Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney pie to impress his mates. Apparently he was never the same again.”

He added: “Personally I can only manage 60 per cent of a Fray Bentos before I have to push it out of sight.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Often cheap meaty foods, especially kebabs and burgers, are unfairly described as being minging because people are snobs.

“However Fray Bentos pies are the real deal.”