Bad weather ends tiresome obligation to act happy

THE end of sunny weather has liberated millions of Britons from having to pretend they are in a good mood.

As wind and rain prepare to sweep the UK, experts confirmed there would be no need to make banal, insincere comments about sunshine and how lovely it makes everything.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Humans feel pissed off most of the time, but when the sun is out you are obliged to act happy because that’s what everyone else is doing and you don’t want called to be labelled a ‘Grumpy Gus’ because that is fucking annoying.

“That’s why it’s good when it rains, because you can drop the thin veil of jollity and be yourself.”

Accounts assistant Mary Fisher said: “A nice summer day cheers me up a bit, but not as much as I make out. It’s not like it makes my job, that I have to do every day for nine hours, any less shit.

“But now the rain’s back I can drop the mask. Everyone can fuck off.”

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Man who got elected ‘definitely unelectable’

A MAN who defied expectations to get elected definitely could not win an election, it has been confirmed.

Blairite backbencher Roy Hobbs said: “Jeremy Corbyn won the Labour leadership despite starting as a 200-1 outsider, which conclusively proves how that sort of unexpected weird thing never happens, and could never possibly happen on a bigger scale.

“It’s not like there’s shitloads of people who never bothered to vote in elections because they felt it was a choice between the Tories and a watered-down version of the Tories.

“In particular there are no young people who are sick of being skint, generally pissed off and willing to go along with pretty much anyway that feels different. And even if those kind of people existed I’m sure they would totally not be into any kind of identifiably left-wing ideas.

“I mean come on, he’s all old with grey hair. You’d never have an old-looking prime minster just like you’d never have an old-looking Doctor Who.

“A Labour victory under Corbyn is about as realistic as America electing a black president. The polls say that and the polls are never, ever even slightly wrong.”

89-year-old Telegraph reader Roy Hobbs said: “Corbyn can never win because millions of comfortably off geriatrics like me will vote against him.

“It’s not like I’ll probably be dead by 2020 or anything.”