Banana-based society sounds fantastic, says everyone

A WORLD in which bananas are the main thing sounds absolutely brilliant, it has been agreed.

Completely wonderful new research suggests that climate change will lead to bananas replacing potatoes and bread as our staple diet and could actually be the ‘silver bullet’ which solves everything.

Martin Bishop, a banana fan from Hatfield, said: “People often ask me why I am so totally at ease with the world and I tell them it’s because I eat a load of bananas.

“It’s got very little to do with the nutritional value, it’s just such a brilliant word.

“Just before you take your first bite of a banana say the word ‘banana’ out loud. You will immediately feel a little bit better about everything.

“As will anyone who hears you say it.”

He added: “We should actually replace the words ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ with the word ‘banana’.”

As well as playing a key dietary role, experts have called for a three-thousand mile long inflatable banana to be placed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean so that the Earth greets alien visitors with a great big smile.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Also, holding a banana like a gun should be illegal. Bananas are about love.”

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “Is there anything more enjoyable than peeling a perfectly ripe banana? I don’t believe in God, but when you look at a banana you just think ‘that must have been designed’.”

She added: “And of course they are absolutely teeming with raw sexuality.

“Banana! Banana! Banana!”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
One love, one heart, let’s get together and feel alright. Ah, the clarion call of masturbators everywhere.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your decision to replace the Botox with baking powder at the plastic surgery raises a few eyebrows this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re worried the lights keep cutting out intermittently, that’s what’s known as ‘blinking’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
All that is needed for evil to be defeated is for good men to quote some fucking trite truism on their Facebook status.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re so organised that you’ve already bought all your family their Christmas presents and there was even a spare lager in the flat-pack for yourself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The footage of Gary Glitter getting arrested showed that he wasn’t wearing a remembrance poppy. The man really is a disgrace, isn’t he?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You stretch the boundaries of the word ‘crisis’ by applying for an emergency loan to get a state-of-the-art dildo.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
House hunting is harder than you’d expected as none of the property websites recognises ‘gimp dungeon’ as a search term.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. Because a can of Winalot has got to be better than your cooking.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Despite the recent slight recovery in the economy, longer term forecasts point to a flatline in growth and a struggle to increase consumer confidence, leading to a buyer’s market for the foreseeable future. So why not try and haggle a fiver off the next blowjob?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Imagine I just wrote something gnomic under a photo of a dolphin, that kind of shit normally impresses you and I can’t be bothered.