Britain’s heap of shit weather explained

WE only have ourselves to blame for the current awful weather, it has emerged.

Head rainmaker

Meteorologists believe powerful currents of negative energy, known as the ‘crud stream’, are responsible for the seemingly never-ending rain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The ‘crud stream’ is the collective psychic resonance of all the shit things currently overwhelming the UK.

“Basically every time someone does something bad-minded, for example clicking on a picture of a TOWIE cast member’s tits on Mail Online, it creates an amount of evil ‘crud energy’, a mysterious invisible element which is lighter than air and smells faintly of chestnuts.

“Other causes of ‘crud energy’ include using the phrase ‘wow factor’, punching people in kebab shops for no reason and watching television programmes where overweight people get cameras put in their fridge.

“The bad vibes waft into the sky, becoming the aforementioned ‘crud stream’, then form evil black clouds that piss it down on us.

“It’s all quite like the premise of the film Ghostbusters 2.

“Immediate measures for reducing the crud stream could include closing ITV2 and assorted newspapers and pulping any Peter Andre biographies.

“Also being less aggressive all the time. For example, Spanish people don’t really hit each other with broken chairs on a Friday night, and hence their weather’s lovely.”