Britain's heap of shit weather explained

WE only have ourselves to blame for the current awful weather, it has emerged.

Meteorologists believe powerful currents of negative energy, known as the ‘crud stream’, are responsible for the seemingly never-ending rain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The ‘crud stream’ is the collective psychic resonance of all the shit things currently overwhelming the UK.

“Basically every time someone does something bad-minded, for example clicking on a picture of a TOWIE cast member’s tits on Mail Online, it creates an amount of evil ‘crud energy’, a mysterious invisible element which is lighter than air and smells faintly of chestnuts.

“Other causes of ‘crud energy’ include using the phrase ‘wow factor’, punching people in kebab shops for no reason and watching television programmes where overweight people get cameras put in their fridge.

“The bad vibes waft into the sky, becoming the aforementioned ‘crud stream’, then form evil black clouds that piss it down on us.

“It’s all quite like the premise of the film Ghostbusters 2.

“Immediate measures for reducing the crud stream could include closing ITV2 and assorted newspapers and pulping any Peter Andre biographies.

“Also being less aggressive all the time. For example, Spanish people don’t really hit each other with broken chairs on a Friday night, and hence their weather’s lovely.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re absolutely right, people don’t care that they don’t have a job, or a pension at the end of their job or a health service if they get hurt at their job but the main thing they want you to dig your heels in about is Lords reform.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A great week as you finally get an agreement from your boss to get paid time and a half on Sundays. Although what you’re going to do with half a biro is anyone’s guess.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Recently you’ve noticed you’ve lost touch with some of your friends. Better break into their attic again and see what the fault is with the cameras you installed.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’d be delighted to see the preview of the experimental theatre show you’re taking up to Edinburgh. First of all I just need to hack my own leg off with a rusty dog food tin and kick my own bollocks in with the wet end.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can’t wait for the new Batman film to come out, mainly because you host dozens of internet chat forums and the extra traffic is going to pay for this year’s holiday.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Sorry…’since you came along, Christ our saviour’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The forthcoming games have inspired you with the Olympic spirit so this week you’re going to charge all your neighbours £500 for a house party they’re not invited to.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Another pointless visit to HR to explain why the boss walked into the gents to find you straddling the toilet the wrong way around, whipping it with a copy of The Mirror and shouting, “Come on Aldaniti, three furlongs to go!” Like it’s any of his concern.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Disappointment on Thursday as, after months of playing Slap Bass Guitar Hero, you manage to complete level 41 and it suddenly turns really shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The sausage-makers you supply meat to have been complaining about the quality of your produce. Bollocks to the lot of them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An interesting side-note to the discovery of a new subatomic particle at CERN was the fact that, written on the side of it, was just how much of a shit you give about ’50 Shades Of Grey’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When friends say they can’t imagine how somebody could murder in cold blood, you should realise how freaked out they are when you reply, “Luring them into the vat of cold blood is the hardest bit.”