Cat acting hard because he is outside

A CAT is acting tough because of being outside.

Male cat Martin Bishop, who is an idle comfort-obsessed bastard when in the house, is now doing his best ‘tiger walk’ on a shed roof.

He said: “When I’m outside I like to jump on really high things for no reason. My vibe is that I’m ‘on patrol’.

“If anyone tries to stroke me out here, I’ll run away or glare at them because I’ve got hardcore stuff going on, like the cat equivalent of a secret CIA mission.

“Maybe I’ll go to a random difficult-to-reach place like fairly high up in a tree, just so that when people see me through the kitchen window they know I am a badass.

“I wouldn’t go in a shed though because you can get stuck in sheds and I am claustrophobic.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man embarks on completely bizarre Christmas supermarket shop

A MAN has spent several hundred pounds on weird food that he would never consider buying during the rest of the year.

Martin Bishop, 36, was handed a shopping list by his wife as he left for the supermarket, to return an hour later utterly perplexed and significantly poorer for the experience.

Bishop said: “What the fuck is a turkey crown? Which aisle is a jar of pickled walnuts on? Is cassis a drink or a type of cleaning product?

“It was like being in the Aztec Zone of the Crystal Maze, except instead of looking for a crystal I was looking for a pack of six individual Beef Wellington tartlets.

“I was practically bleeding from the eyeballs out of sheer frustration by the time I managed to lay my hands on the Heston frigging Blumenthal banana and bacon trifle.

“When I got it back my wife silently searched through the bags and then just said ‘Where’s the brusselmole?’”