Dog's best friend actually the car

DOGS have confirmed that their most meaningful relationship is actually with cars.

Terrier Wayne Hayes said: “We’re friendly towards humans just because we’re using them to get to cars.

“Going in cars is the bollocks. Obviously leaning out of the window while going along is a joy, but also the seats are incredibly comfortable.

“And the smell of a recently-valeted vehicle is like nothing else on earth. So fresh and yet so synthetic, it sets my highly sensitive olfactory glands on fire.”

Doberman Emma Bradford said: “Thousands of years ago when wolves moved into villages, they did so in anticipation that mankind would one day invent cars.

“My personal favourite is the womb-like environment of the Ford Ka. It’s makes me feel so serene yet so territorial. If any strangers tried to get in with me I would bite their face off.”

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Ask Holly: If I lose the leadership race I might become a Victoria's Secret model

Dear Holly,

Mean people have been throwing shade on me: Tony Blair; Liz Kendall; Katy Perry. Basically they all hate me because I win all the awards for being a mad mental left winger. Me and Taylor Swift have so much in common, if I lose the leadership race I am considering becoming a Victoria’s Secret model and releasing a bitchy single about Andy Burnham. But for now, I need some tips on ignoring the haterz and those who want to pit Labour against Labour and some help in coming up with witty subtweets to bring down Blair #Chilcot #Kazakhstan

Jeremy Corbyn


Dear Jeremy,

I recently taught my granny all about Twitter because she got to the end of Breaking Bad and needed to fill the vacuum it had left. Unfortunately she’s had to stop using it quite soon after because she’d been maliciously trolling Mary Berry and cyber bullying Colleen Nolan from Loose Women and my parents had to intervene and delete her account before the police got involved. When it’s all died down I’ll sign the vicious old bag up for Reddit and see what pans out.

Hope that helps!