Fish defeated

FISH are on the brink of surrender, it was confirmed last night.

Scientists say the long struggle to cleanse the world’s beautiful oceans is almost complete.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There are still a few pockets of resistance but we predict a fish-free world by the end of July.

“The ocean will once again be decent. Fire up your jet skis.”

Prof Brubaker said the recent discovery that clown fish had gone deaf was a major blow to fish morale.

He added: “Clown fish have thwarted many of our efforts. Indeed, Finding Nemo was a sickening piece of pro-fish propaganda that may as well have been produced by Goebbels.

“Suffice to say Nemo was found and shot. But not before he furnished us with the names and locations of thousands of his fellow criminals.”

Oceanographer, Dr Stephen Malley, said humanity should be excited about a fishless world and stressed there would be a huge social and economic dividend from defishification.

He said: “Oil tankers will have much more room, scuba divers won’t have to be scared any more and diners will no longer have to ask their waiter if the fish of the day has any little bones in it.

“Plus, it will be much easier to put sea water to good use. As well as desalination you have to remove all the fish piss. It costs a fortune.

“We will thus be able to preserve our precious fresh water for swimming pools, Fanta production and flushing the lavatories of the obese.”



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