A NEW strain of genetically modified wheat can strangle crows and then harvest itself into a bowl of Cheerios, the environment secretary Hilary Benn has claimed.
Mr Benn said rapid advances in GM technology will help to make the UK more resistant to food imports, including a variety of armoured British potatoes that are able to launch themselves against foreign vessels carrying out of season mange tout.
He also claimed GM crops could become self-sufficient within three years, removing the need for farmers altogether.
He added: "Imagine a world where vegetables stacked themselves neatly in trucks without scary-mouthed in-breds smearing their shit-caked, thumbless hands all over them and demanding a subsidy so they can upgrade their Range Rover."
But anti-GM protester Charlie Reeves insisted: "Mother Nature should not be tampered with because a GM savoy cabbage could easily cross-pollinate with our genes and turn everyone all leafy. Admittedly science is not my strong point."
An ageing population and the drive for food self-sufficiency is also behind Mr Benn's latest scheme, provisionally titled 'Solent Green'.
Pensioners are already being shipped to the Isle of Wight to work in newly-erected food processing plants, which will begin producing green, sinewy, protein-filled biscuits by the end of the year.
Sandown resident, Nikki Hollis, said: "They come over on the ferry in grey-haired droves, but never leave. When I mentioned it in the pub, everyone just went quiet. Like when young Tom said he saw a 'motor car' in London."
