GM Food Could Devour Crows, Claims Benn

A NEW strain of genetically modified wheat can strangle crows and then harvest itself into a bowl of Cheerios, the environment secretary Hilary Benn has claimed.

Mr Benn said rapid advances in GM technology will help to make the UK more resistant to food imports, including a variety of armoured British potatoes that are able to launch themselves against foreign vessels carrying out of season mange tout.

He also claimed GM crops could become self-sufficient within three years, removing the need for farmers altogether.

He added: "Imagine a world where vegetables stacked themselves neatly in trucks without scary-mouthed in-breds smearing their shit-caked, thumbless hands all over them and demanding a subsidy so they can upgrade their Range Rover."

But anti-GM protester Charlie Reeves insisted: "Mother Nature should not be tampered with because a GM savoy cabbage could easily cross-pollinate with our genes and turn everyone all leafy. Admittedly science is not my strong point."

An ageing population and the drive for food self-sufficiency is also behind Mr Benn's latest scheme, provisionally titled 'Solent Green'.

Pensioners are already being shipped to the Isle of Wight to work in newly-erected food processing plants, which will begin producing green, sinewy, protein-filled biscuits by the end of the year.

Sandown resident, Nikki Hollis, said: "They come over on the ferry in grey-haired droves, but never leave. When I mentioned it in the pub, everyone just went quiet. Like when young Tom said he saw a 'motor car' in London."

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MP Who Left Cancer-Stricken Wife For Mistress 'Did Not Break Any Rules'

THE Tory MP who had an affair while his wife was battling breast cancer last night insisted he had followed House of Commons rules 'to the letter'.

James Gray said the affair had been cleared by the parliamentary authorities and that he had receipts for all the hotels where he and his mistress had sex while his wife was in hospital.

He added: "You know what it's about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large mistress. Some people say she looks a bit like Balmoral."

The Wiltshire North MP and his lover were married last weekend in a ceremony described by local activists as a very expensive way to resign.

The marital cheating rules, approved by the House of Commons in 1997, state that MPs are allowed to be unfaithful as long as the wife is unlikely to die within 48 hours.

The regulations also set out a John Lewis-style list of 'cheatable wife ailments' including most cancers, heart conditions, brain diseases and certain types of paralysis.

But an MP must also wait at least 48 hours after the wife dies before marrying the bouncy, large breasted woman who is up for absolutely anything.

Tory backbencher Sir Denys Finch-Hatton defended the system, adding: "If, for example, one's wife is paralysed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair, how can one be expected to get one's end away?

"It seems only fair that when a hard-working MP with a seriously ill or disabled wife is in London he should be able to spend the night in a reasonably comfortable secretary."