Green light for Somerset virgin sacrifice

RESIDENTS of flood-threatened Somerset have offered up the lives of two fair maidens.

Following numerous flood warnings across the county, panicked residents downed scythes and gathered in the grounds of aristocrat Lord Taunton’s manor house to hear what might be done.

Lord Taunton said: “The true gods are angry, angry that the old ways have been forgotten. Now that electricity has spread even unto parts of Bridgwater, many of us are no longer fearful of the darkness and we neglect to worship Pan with regular naked rituals.

“I have selected the two fairest virgins in the country, one female and one female, for the greatest honour our country may… wait, I spy an outsider.”

After the outsider was found and killed, the flamboyant aristocrat continued: “Now light your torches, don your crudely-made animal masks and follow me to the secret place.

“The ritual begins at dawn, but tonight we shall cavort and drink rough cider while sharing our seed.”

The procession then began to wind its way into the dense forest surrounding Lord Taunton’s house, chanting the words to a haunting rhyme called ‘The Corn Dolly’.

Sacrificial virgin Emma Bradford said: “My heart is full of joy, for come the morn I shall become Pan’s bride forever, in flames.

“It is such an honour, especially as I once illegally crossed the border into Wiltshire, where I tried something called ‘pasta’.

“You must go now.”

 

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Old bastard attacked by useless shower of piss

A SNEAKY old bastard was last night attacked by people who have made a career in politics.

Unemployable misfits who spend your money on themselves said multi-billionaire Rupert Murdoch was not fit to run a business, particularly the incredibly successful one he has built from scratch.

Tom Watson, the chubby Labour MP who used public money to buy £4,800 worth of food in a single year, said: “Rupert Murdoch is a total bastard. How he ever became successful is a mystery.

“Companies should be run by lovely people like Richard Branson and his bevy of gorgeous tax accountants.”

Watson who, along with fellow Labour MP Iain Wright, used £100,000 of public money to do up a London flat, added: “I remember saying to Gordon Brown that he and Sarah should not be such close friends with Rebekah Brooks. Unfortunately my mouth was full of cheese so he may have misheard me.”

But Mr Murdoch, who treats his staff like dog faeces and can never have enough money, said the MPs’ report was ‘highly partisan’ as it was written by people he has tried to destroy using any means necessary.

Turning to his son James, he said: “You told me Watson was dead. ‘Bottom of a disused mine shaft’ you said.

“Don’t you bloody lie to me again boy. You may be my son but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have you thrown out of a helicopter.”

Murdoch insisted he had already addressed the issues raised in the report by making his newspapers 0.2% less bullying and dishonest.

He added: “I’m really, really sorry if I’ve done a bad thing. Can someone teach me how to cry?”

Meanwhile, Tom Watson was last night filling a trolley with M&S pizzas and thanking members of the public for their support.