RESIDENTS of flood-threatened Somerset have offered up the lives of two fair maidens.
Following numerous flood warnings across the county, panicked residents downed scythes and gathered in the grounds of aristocrat Lord Taunton’s manor house to hear what might be done.
Lord Taunton said: “The true gods are angry, angry that the old ways have been forgotten. Now that electricity has spread even unto parts of Bridgwater, many of us are no longer fearful of the darkness and we neglect to worship Pan with regular naked rituals.
“I have selected the two fairest virgins in the country, one female and one female, for the greatest honour our country may… wait, I spy an outsider.”
After the outsider was found and killed, the flamboyant aristocrat continued: “Now light your torches, don your crudely-made animal masks and follow me to the secret place.
“The ritual begins at dawn, but tonight we shall cavort and drink rough cider while sharing our seed.”
The procession then began to wind its way into the dense forest surrounding Lord Taunton’s house, chanting the words to a haunting rhyme called ‘The Corn Dolly’.
Sacrificial virgin Emma Bradford said: “My heart is full of joy, for come the morn I shall become Pan’s bride forever, in flames.
“It is such an honour, especially as I once illegally crossed the border into Wiltshire, where I tried something called ‘pasta’.
“You must go now.”