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Londoners shocked to learn Cornwall exists outside of summer

LONDONERS have been amazed to discover that Cornwall continues to exist when they are not visiting their second homes during the summer.

News reports of Storm Goretti battering Cornwall with 99mph winds came as a shock to Londoners, who assumed the area was an attraction put on purely for their amusement during the summer months.

Charlotte Phelps of South Kensington said: “Seriously? All those quaint fishing villages and naff gift shops tick along all year round? I don’t believe it.

“I was under the impression Cornwall was like a travelling circus. I suspected that at this time of year its rugged coastal beauty would be packed away, its troupe of surly ‘locals’ taking a well-deserved break from hating city folk like myself.”

Oliver O’Connor from Camden said: “This has blown my mind. I thought the country ended at the River Tamar between September and May. It’s like learning that Hobbiton is a real place.

“Don’t people get bored living there? Apart from the picturesque scenery and charming community spirit, there can’t be much going on. Whereas in London we’ve got exciting knife crime.”

Jack Browne of Penzance said: “F**king great, the secret’s out. Now those twats will descend on us during the off-season too.”

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May drive a car: How to spot a domestic terrorist, by JD Vance

DOMESTIC extremists lurk everywhere, ready to strike by opposing self-evidently righteous actions taken by president Trump and myself. Here’s how to spot them:

May drive a car

A car can be used as a weapon, as our heroic ICE agents discovered this week. Even if following orders to leave the area, moving slowly or parked, the person behind that wheel might as well have their knife at an agent’s throat. In such cases the agent has a moral duty to shoot first and forcibly stop any medical help reaching their target later.

Could be white

As the shocking events of Wednesday showed, not every domestic terrorist is black, brown or Hispanic. Some of them may, at first glance, seem ordinary, law-abiding white supremacists like you or me but their minds have been corrupted by the mainstream media to oppose MAGA by any means necessary, including voting.

Might be in an area

The professional agitator consumed by violence and hatred ICE saved America from this week was in an area where agents were operating. These are cities that elected Democrats and so must be considered hostile territory: free-fire zones to be entered weapons hot. That ICE leave so many living is evidence of their tremendous mercy.

May stop ICE doing their job

As federal agents, ICE are doing their jobs. Whatever they are doing is doing their jobs, and their job is to identify anyone trying to stop or slightly delay them doing their jobs. Even by blocking bullets with your bodies you are impeding them in doing their job, and they are therefore authorised in firing again and again.

Possibly none of the above

Above all, domestic extremists are cunning, lying creatures, ready at any moment to conceal their sedition behind a lifetime of law-abiding innocence. They may have carefully avoided any of the above traits which only makes them more dangerous, and the ICE agent standing above their body with a smoking gun even more of a hero.

Trump didn’t want to do this so he let me do it

Like an ICE agent pardoned in the January 6th riots then allowed to join the president’s private police force despite convictions for racist violence, I am proud to serve. So when president Trump declined the opportunity to cover up a murder with a grunt and indicated I could do it, I was quicker than an ICE agent on the trigger. I get to be president next.

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