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Man doesn't believe in pollen

A MAN has explained to colleagues who claim to be suffering with hay fever that pollen is all in the mind. 

Financial manager Tom Logan believes those in his office who are sneezing, blowing their noses or have conspicuously sore eyes are suffering from a psychosomatic condition, and pities them.

He said: “Where is this ‘pollen’, then? Am I breathing it in now? Then how come I’m fine?

“I’m supposed to believe the whole world’s drowning in invisible tree spunk, but apparently I’m immune? Wow, getting big I Am Legend vibes over here, because that’s made-up bollocks too.

“I don’t know why you’re crying Anna, maybe a bad relationship? What I do know is blaming it on the bushes is only kicking your problems further down the road. Face up to it.

“Plants and flowers reproduce because of bees. Einstein said that and he was a genius. Sneezing in the office is unhygienic. I’m not seeing a bed of perennials in here, so give it a f**king rest.”

Logan is expected to entirely reverse his position after the garage informs him his Mercedes E-Class needs a new pollen filter, proving that it is science after all.

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I should rule forever and other things the King agrees with me on, by Donald Trump

THE King and I aren’t just in absolute agreement that Iran shouldn’t have nuclear weapons and my war is great. We’re also as one on these issues: 

I should rule forever

Once the right guy’s in power, he stays there perpetually. Any successor should be his most favoured child who shares his born-to-rule DNA. As a monarch, the King believes this even more than I do. It’s the foundation of our special relationship. Two old guys exerting their privilege until the heat death of the universe; what could be more beautiful?

The Epstein files are a sick media lie

Everyone knows I’m not in the Epstein files. That’s why I’ve had to invade Iran to give them something real to report on. The King may not have said he agrees with me explicitly, but the awkward way he squirmed through any mention of them was confirmation enough. His brother? He has a brother?

Being shot at is a sign of huge affection

When you’re a beloved public figure like Charles and I, it’s only natural that fans get carried away in their admiration. According to our sycophantic yes men, bullets whizzing past your head are a sign of adoration of our immense wealth and power. We have a duty to amass more of both to keep our public happy.

NATO needs to invade Cuba

I don’t like Cuba, but I do like US troops and wouldn’t want them harmed. So NATO, which is Britain and some other countries, needs to invade it for me and put Marco Rubio in charge. I tell you, the King drove a hard bargain, only agreeing to this idea if we keep sending arms over to Ukraine, but he’s totally on board. He’s leading the invasion himself.

The Earth should be renamed ‘Trumptopia’

Dirt? Who cares about that, apart from farmers? Time we made Earth great again by naming it after the best thing that ever happened to it. We’ll paint all the trees, mountains and oceans gold so it’ll look even better from the next spaceflight. Chuck laughed and shook his head, which is his cryptic royal way of giving it his total approval.

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