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Big boobs never fashionable, only popular

WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless. 

While newspapers proclaim big busts have fallen out of fashion, the owners of big busts are still stared at in case their big busts fall out of whatever they are wearing.

Joanna Kramer, 36E, said: “About two years since Sydney Sweeney gave them their moment in the sun, then. Seems fair for a body part millions of women have and aren’t inclined to change.

“Unfortunately, the word about big tits being as outdated as skinny jeans hasn’t hit the streets, where they appear to still be the centre of f**king attention when the sun’s out. I should give those builders a copy of Italian Vogue so they can stop embarrassing themselves.

“I guess now every man on Tinder will declare himself boldly anti-fashion and that he’d love to put his head between them, getting so excited at the idea he follows it up with a dick pic. What daring iconoclasts. I should reward them.

“We already knew you didn’t like tits, gay men who design fashion. We knew because you wouldn’t lower yourselves to make us tops that fit them.”

Fashion journalist Francesca Johnson said: “It’s actress Margaret Qualley I feel sorry for. She’s just had a boob job and now they’re over! She must feel such an idiot!”

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Six ways poncey London shops justify charging £15 for a sandwich

SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay: 

It’s American

To a certain credulous influencer mindset, the very fact the sandwich claims US origins makes it aspirational. The differences here are that it’s called a sub, is oval rather than demurely triangular, and reaches a level of artery-blocking health risk no British sandwich could every hope to. £15 is a bargain when you consider it could kill.

It’s horribly overloaded

Unlike when hiring builders, here stable, solid construction is cheap. It’s the messily overstuffed, mid-collapse and impossible to functionally consume sandwich that costs a premium. As the sides ooze out with every bite, as you litter toppings around you, as your hands are submerged in saucy slop you’ll delight in the wasteful, nasty luxury.

It’s artisanal

The sourdough starter was painfully reared by hand and is called Clive. The brazen bap carries a filthy price tag because it’s as original and irreplaceable as a Picasso, created by a chef whose life has been dedicated to creating sandwiches so marvellous they leave their consumers forever changed, and perhaps immortal. Which isn’t bad for the price.

It’s Instagrammable

This aesthetic bun comes in pretty wrapping paper sliced down the middle so you can easily reveal its insides, in case you need to check that your cheese is actually in there. With layers of filling that look like they’ve been delicately stacked by Marie Kondo herself, this is a delight to the lens and promises you 10,000 followers per bite.

It’s ethical

When a product can’t conceivably offer more flavour, volume, or exclusivity it’s time to turn up the spin. Want free-range highly-enriched beef? Kale handpicked by a niche order of nuns high in exotic yet also local mountains? Chickpeas from heritage breed chickens? This meal validates all your moral standpoints and confirms you were right all along.

The Strait of Hormuz

The financial storm caused by war and political idiocy are plaguing every restaurant, cafe, and weird pop-up snack cart that visits your office. The sandwich, at the very socioeconomic nexus of contemporary life, is no exception. What else are you going to do, eat the cold pasta salad you brought from home? Pay up.

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