Man wakes up on sofa with bag of sweetcorn on head

A MAN has awoken on his sofa with the front and back doors propped open and a formerly frozen bag of sweetcorn on his head. 

Nathan Muir, from Croydon, admitted he does not remember waking because of the heat, but is impressed with his innovative solution.

He said: “The bathroom basin’s full of cold water, so I’m guessing my first port of call was to soak my entire head.

“When that didn’t work I clearly headed for the cooler climes of downstairs, where the open kitchen drawer shows I rummaged around for the cellar key, sadly without success.

“I then opened both doors to create a through draught, heedless of the risk of crime, and applied frozen sweetcorn topically to the affected area before drifting off into a cool, peaceful sleep.”

He added: “It was a complete success, apart from the neighbourhood cats came in and pissed in the kitchen.”

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Brexiter to claim he was 'just kidding'

A BREXITER who has finally realised it will not turn out well is to claim he was just joking.

Tom Logan, from Brentford, has decided that saying he was just pretending to back Brexit ‘for a laugh’ is more viable than continuing to insist it is a good idea.

He said: “With how unbelievably idiotic Brexit now seems, the joke theory is actually more credible.

“When my friends accuse me of lying, I’ll just get more and more smug about how I had them completely fooled. It’s a twatty way to behave, but not compared to crashing the UK economy.

“I’ll just keep insisting ‘Brexit Tom’ was a character. If there’s one thing this has taught me it’s that if you keep repeating outrageous lies some gormless bellend will believe you.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Surely he’s not dumb enough to think we’ve all forgotten him ranting on cluelessly about the EU planning to send the entire population of Turkey here.

“On the other hand, he did vote for Brexit.”