Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse revealed as 'Stupidity'

WAR, Famine, Pestilence and Death have a fifth companion known as Stupidity, experts have discovered.

The find was made in an obscure passage in the Apocrypha of St Nigel, a little-known fifth-century Saint who is patron of  talking loudly in pubs and deliberately driving your car into a tree.

St Nigel was martyred after falling down a manhole to the sound of a host of angelic sad trombones.

Bible expert Tom Logan, from the Institute of Studies, warned the discovery suggested the end times might be upon us.

He said: “The passage in question makes a direct reference to the ‘last trump of doom’ when Stupidity would ride forth to bring manifold miseries upon all the lands of the Earth.

“In his left hand he held a great scroll upon which were uncounted numbers of unsourced memes which reinforce thine prejudices, and when opened it rained forth a plague of fatuousness upon humanity.

“And all comments threads followed after him.”

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England assumed everyone in Scotland was working class

ENGLAND has been surprised to learn that not everyone in Scotland is a foul-mouthed manual worker on the minimum wage. 

As word reached England of electoral gains for the Scottish Tories – previously considered a myth – English people have been forced to hypothesise the existence of right-wing, or even posh, Scottish people.

Researcher Norman Steele said: “It’s all conjecture so far, but if we assume a wealth curve similar to England’s we find ourselves confronting the idea of a Scottish ‘middle-class’.

“These people, who neither work in shipyards nor shoot heroin, are a mystery to us. No British politician even knew they existed. We should try and catch one and see what it does with a knife and fork.”

Bill McKay, a chartered accountant from Perth, said: “I’m just as capable as any English person of drinking Chablis, watching Downton Abbey and voting with my wallet.”